My Parenting Evolution

Even whilst my firstborn was in the womb, I began my obsession with reading everything I could get my hands on regarding parenting. In addition to books, I subscribed to multiple parenting magazines and read them cover to cover upon arrival every month. All of this reading has definitely not made me an expert on the subject, but, I do think it is interesting in retrospect to see how my parenting style has changed over the years from rigid to laid-back.

Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

This is the first parenting book I read. I was determined to take their hard nose approach with my kids. I would not be a "helicopter" parent. I would carefully sidestep the "dictator" role as well. By the time Sophie was a year old, we were implementing time-outs. And, shortly thereafter, we were having discussions about privileges (and the possibility of losing them), consequences, and we were making choices. This was a good place for me to start my parenting evolution, and Sophie responded well to the principles taught in this book. However, I've since decided that it is far too harsh. I mean, come on -- it says you can't take a school assignment to your child if he forgets it or he will never learn to be responsible. Ummm, I'm a fully grown adult and I still need people to bail me out from time to time when I am forgetful. It's not because I'm irresponsible, it's because I'm human. And, I would hope that those who love me would take a loving approach when I do stupid things rather than trying to always teach me a lesson. And, I totally disagree with them on withholding food as a consequence, as in, the child does not finish their chores before dinnertime, so you make them do the chore while you serve dinner to the rest of the family and then say, "Oh, sorry, now the kitchen is closed, hope you do your chores before dinner next time." Harsh. I think we have enough childhood issues with over-eating and/or eating disorders as it is. Plus, my kitchen never really closes, I'm not that rigid about mealtimes. Finally, the thing I find most disturbing about this book is it's premise (as with many parenting books) that if you don't follow their advice exactly, with complete consistency, then your kids will never ever learn to respect you and you will have failed as a parent.

The Scientist in the Crib: Minds, Brains, and How Children Learn by Alison Gopnik, Andre Meltzoff and Patricia Kuhl

Not so much a parenting book, but a fascinating read about scientific studies and research on how and when infants and young children learn and understand certain concepts. It was helpful to me as a parent to realize things like, my child didn't just pour the milk from her cup into her toy dumptruck just to make me insane, but, because she is in the "cause and effect" stage and it's a perfectly normal and necessary phase of her development. It helps eliminate anger and unecessary punishments.

On becoming Babywise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep by Gary Ezzo and Dr. Robert Bucknam

I got this book when Ian was an infant and cried incessantly. I do think this book gives useful advice about putting your infant on a schedule. Although, it makes me sad when people try to put their infants on schedules too soon (they have to reach a certain body weight around 2-3 months, even older for small babies before they can self regulate and be on a schedule). Feeding Ian on a 3-hour schedule was helpful because he had tummy troubles. So, before I read this book, it would go something like this: Feed, after 30-minutes food begins to upset tummy, feed again as a source of comfort, and so the vicious cycle continues. This book is the opposite of attachment parenting, and, in fact, openly mocks those who ascribe to attachment parenting. One part says something like, "You are not a marsupial. You should not be schlepping that baby around like Joey Kangaroo." I was fine with this when I read the book because I was sure I would never, ever be into attachment parenting. Rule #1 at my house was, sleep in your own bed. Rule #2, learn to self-soothe. And, so on and so forth. Guess who was schlepping baby #3 around like Joey Kangaroo in her beloved new Ergo and co-sleeping for the first few months? Never say never.

My two favorite parenting books so far are:
Siblings Without Rivalry and
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

These are my two most valuable resources when it comes to parenting. I had searched and searched for some advice on how to help Sophie and Ian forge bonds of love in what seemed to be a hopeless state of rivalry when I came across these gems. After reading Siblings Without Rivalry, things improved. After reading it again, things improved more. Whenever things seem to get sticky, I read it again, and guess what? Things always improve. I love these books the most of any on the list because they teach you that you should talk to and listen to your kids (as opposed to just doling out punishments and commands) and how to do it effectively.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

Shortly after Isaac was born, I attended a lecture by Alfie Kohn, which I both enjoyed and found liberating. I then read the book, and I have to say here that the book is very poorly written. People who value well-written books beware. I also have to say that, a good friend and I both took this book to heart and tried our best to follow the principles, but, we both found that too strict of adherance only led to ill-behaved children. With all of that said, I now insert that this lecture and book were exactly what I needed at that time in my life with three pre-schoolers at home for two years. What was liberating was hearing someone say, "It's okay to follow your instincts. In fact, it is a good thing to be more loving." I agree that the majority of parenting advice is big on discipline and small on loving your kids, paying attention to them, and talking things out. Before I read this book, my instincts often told me to be more loving, while a nagging voice in the back of my head said, "You know you are ruining your kids forever! What about consistency?" Kohn says we shouldn't judge our kids as "good" or "bad" based on how big of a pain in the neck they are being to us. Maybe an extremely active and inquisitive kid is just as good or even more desirable than a kid who sits quietly with his arms folded. He asserts that having kids really is quite inconvenient and if parents aren't up to the task, well, then maybe they should have gotten a fish. I love that he advises to allow for "off" days. For example, if your kid is normally well behaved, and, one day he is super-whiney, disobedient, or whatever, well, then, maybe he is tired or not feeling well. It's better to give him extra love than discipline in that situation. Even though the book, if taken too far, will, in my opinion, lead to disaster, it still contained some of the most helpful pieces of parenting advice I've found in my parenting evolution.

Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp

While a somewhat "unconditional parenting" approach worked best when all of my kids were small, we suddenly reached that bigger kid stage (when Sophie entered the first-grade) and I found I needed a whole new arsenal to get my slightly older children to respect, obey and start taking responsibility (such as cleaning their rooms). A friend who has incredibly well-behaved kids recommended this book. It advocates spanking as instructed by the Bible. I sincerely tried to take this book to heart. And, against everything in my nature, I spanked my kids without anger as the book said. After about a month, I abandoned it. I don't believe in spanking my kids (although I have found threats of a spanking to be effective since they were young even if I never follow through -- it's like my way of saying, "I mean it!"). The biggest thing that did not ring true to me about this book is the statement that even babies need to have their hearts turned to Jesus, because of my belief that children are not accountable for their sins until the age of eight. I did, however, take one thing from this book. I like to use the scriptures to teach them obedience and Christlike attributes. But, I do not believe in instilling the fear of God in them with the power of the rod.

Dreamers, Discoverers & Dynamos: How to Help the Child Who is Bright, Bored, and Having Problems in School by Lucy Jo Palladino

This is an interesting book that I'm currently thumbing through from time to time. I just can't bring myself to read it cover to cover. It was recommended to me after Sophie's piano teacher, school teacher, and leaders in the primary started suggesting the term ADD last fall. I think ADD and ADHD are the most overused terms in reference to children today. I am strongly opposed to medicating children for behavior except in the most extreme cases. "Hi. So you think my daughter may have ADD because she has trouble concentrating. Have you met my youngest son? He's the one getting ready to jump from the top of my mini-van in the 8-seconds I turned away from him to have this conversation with you. No, we don't use the terms ADD and hyperactive around here. But, thank you anyways." From what I've read in this book, I'd say Sophie may be just a bit of a dreamer, and, mostly a normal 8-year-old kid. But, what I really found interesting about this book is the way the discoverer and dynamo profiles fit Isaac. I love that they have re-framed kids who don't fit "the mold" as Edison Trait children. It focuses on the positive things about their vast intelligence and potential and gives great advice on how to help them succeed.

To recap, the more I know about parenting, the more I realize that I have yet to learn. It's interesting to look back and see my pendulum swing from strict (Love & Logic) to super-softy (unconditional parenting) to the place where I seem to find the most joy -- leading with love and sprinkling some good discipline sessions in there when necessary. If you know me, you know I'm a bit on the softy side. Now, on to dealing with that problem of realizing that Isaac is a bit spoiled and the problem of teaching Sophie to keep her room clean . . .

What parenting books have you found to be helpful? What is your best parenting style?