Why Women Still Can't Have It All

This morning I read an in-depth article by Anne-Marie Slaughter (2012) titled "Why Women Still Can't Have it All." It was a very interesting read to me even though I didn't 100% agree with everything she said.

The take away for me is that our whole society needs significant attitude changes before women can truly have equal opportunities.

I don't agree (necessarily) that we should adjust school schedules to align with workday schedules. That sounds an awful lot like communist Russia that offered free 8-5 preschool for all so that women could be liberated. I don't want to live in a place where kids are whisked away at birth and placed in government sponsored institutions. However, I do see how this would be a huge step forward for women who work full time.

I am so blessed to have a flexible schedule and to work part time. I briefly considered applying for a full time job a couple of years ago (the prospect of employer sponsored benefits was so tempting) and I could not figure out how that would work with the kids' school schedules. That's because it doesn't work. There is no way to add up a 40 hour work week that aligns with the kids' school schedules. I calculated the math a bunch of different ways. My sister in law took a job last year that was counted as full time even though it was 35-hours per week. She was able to get home in time to greet her kids off the bus (they are the last stop on the route and don't get home until 4), but she still had to hire someone to take them at 7 a.m. and get them ready for school every morning to make it work (she got off early on Fridays since her kids have early out). Then there was also summer break to figure out.

While I don't necessarily agree with sweeping changes like that, I do agree that the attitudes of our society at large need serious changes. She talks about the fact that if a talented employee runs a marathon, they are seen as disciplined, hard working, willing to push through distraction and exhaustion even on days when nothing seems to go right in the service of a goal far in the distance and as an exceptional manager of time to be able to squeeze it all in. And she asks, Do employers make those same assumptions about a talented working parent?

She also makes a point about a devout Jewish man who left work early on Fridays to complete his travel before sun down and strictly observe the Jewish Sabbath (from sun down on Friday until sun down on Saturday) and how everyone in the office admired his dedication to his religion. Yet, would they award the same admiration to a working mother who left the office early on Friday and strictly devoted her Saturday to her children?

Great points.

I'll be honest--the article did bother me in some ways. I felt like she was saying, in order to be in an extremely successful leadership position (which she strongly advocates for men and women equally), twelve hour work days plus weekend work is required. I'm sorry, but if that is my life ambition and I am married to someone with that same life ambition, why do we want to have kids? And, if we do want to have kids, who is going to raise them while we dedicate ourselves to these schedules? Our nannies? And, if all of these nannies are needed to support all of these men and women equally in their career goals, what about equality for the nannies and their career goals? It doesn't make sense to me. I do think parents should raise their kids.

What becomes tricky is when both parents work and it comes to figuring out how to divide up the household and child nurturing responsibilities with some equality. Apparently my relationship is in the dark ages when it comes to this. As I stated in an earlier post, the reason we aren't really caught up to mainstream 2016 thinking has to do with our religious beliefs and the way we were raised. Maybe some women my age in my religion find it fine and good for their husbands to provide while they run the home and family. Maybe they find this fair and fulfilling and maybe they don't. I don't know. I do know that it makes women vulnerable. I also know that in my life I need to work. And, I don't mind working, I just wish I had known that I was going to work so I could have negotiated a different contract (so to speak, we don't actually have a document where our expectations are written down) in the beginning because it is very hard to change our habits at this point in the game but we need to find something that is more fair.

The article was interesting because, in it she states that many men and women of the millenial generation are changing their attitudes about sharing responsibilities at home. However, she reveals the damaging attitudes of our society at large that hold women back--some subtle and some not so subtle.

Speaking of attitudes, I reflect back on my life and I feel like I have always received conflicting messages. Growing up, I received a message that I was equal to men and that I could accomplish anything I wanted to in life. I also received a message that the most important role I could fulfill in my life was to be a fully dedicated full-time wife and mom. It is really hard to reconcile the two.

For example, I became very close to my female doctor, Machel, who delivered all four of my babies. I remember when Sophie was born, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude to her for dedicating herself to a demanding medical career (she did this while raising six kids). I kept thinking about what her talents and hard work meant to me and so many other moms. What would we do without the Machel's of the world? At the same time, I felt strongly that I should give up working to be home with my new tiny infant (and the ones that would follow). But, what did that mean in terms of sharing my professional talents with those outside of my immediate family? From the beginning, it has been a confusing road.

I really admire the mom who I babysit for. She and her husband have worked their schedules to ensure maximum mom and dad time with their kids. Her husband goes to work at 5:30 a.m. so that he can pick up his kids by 4. She goes into the office at 11 a.m. so she has lots of morning time with her babies, even though it means she has to stay late. Because of this, their kids are only with a babysitter for five hours a day.

In addition to this awesome schedule they have worked out for their kids's sakes, her boss also allowed her to bring her first two kids to work with her for the first six months of their lives. The third baby was born during her busiest time of year, so I started keeping him when he was two-weeks old (sad for her, but so fun for me). Why can't women with office jobs bring their nursing infants to work for the first months of their lives? It would be amazing if more employers allowed that.

Those kinds of attitude changes I completely agree with.

Happy Valentime's Day

Katie writes notes to me daily declaring her love for me. It is very precious. For the past two weeks, there have been a lot of "Happy Valentime's" from her too. This makes me smile. I remember when I thought the word was "Valentime."

Brian has been in L.A. this week and today he is running the L.A. marathon and texting me photos of the course along the way. Last year he was working in Washington in February. So--for the second year I got to celebrate this holiday focusing on my four wonderful kids who have my heart in every way.

It felt so strange to only have two kids handing out valentines to their classes this year. It was quite the handful the year there were four. So many little cards to fill out and so many different classroom parties at the same time and me not knowing which one to volunteer for. They are growing up! And, I am trying to savor these winding down moments of their childhoods while I still can.

Yesterday I read a blogpost by a single gal in which she talked about the fact that many people are alone for this holiday, even people who are in relationships who feel alone. She expressed how she sees it as an opportunity to romance herself with naps and yoga classes and Thai food and things that make her feel special. I thought that sounded like a great idea, even for people who aren't alone and don't feel alone.

Yesterday was so productive. I woke up at 5 and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I got up and did four hours of much needed housework and got my shower before it was time to start running the kids around to their various activities.

I took Sophie to rehearsal--she is in The Little Mermaid. I ran to the grocery store. I took Katie to a kid yoga class and dropped Ian off for his team photo. Then, I picked Sophie up from rehearsal and returned to watch Ian play basketball -- all before 1 p.m.

After I fed everyone lunch and took a little downtime, I mustered the energy to go to Costco (it takes courage to go there on a Saturday) and Wal-Mart and I came home ready to romance myself in the best way I knew how.

I gave all of my kids special Valentine's I had bought for them. I painted Katie's nails. We read together and snuggled together. Then, I opened up some Chicago mix popcorn and we watched Cast Away. I am amazed by Tom Hanks' performance in that movie and especially by how he was able to transform his body for the role. When the movie was over, I retired to my bed with Katie by my side and Isaac sleeping on a little mattress at the foot of the bed. I am excited for Brian to come back home, but I sure love getting to sleep with these two when he is gone because they love it SO much. Isaac declares that the nights he sleeps in my room are the best nights of sleep of his life. And, I love seeing that sleeping princess next to me as I drift off to dreamland.

This morning, I made my traditional heart shaped Valentine waffles with berries and whipped cream. The kids had gotten up before me and had eaten bowls of cereal so I might have decided not to make the waffles except that I had already prepared to make them gluten free and I am romancing myself, remember? So, I made those waffles and I enjoyed them. A lot.

Brian sent me two dozen roses. They are so pretty -- peach, pink, light purple and white. They smell as good as they look. So . . . it's been a pretty great Valentine's Day so far.

Sweethearts in the Making

The other day, Ian and I picked up Sophie from bowling practice. She asked me to carry her bag with her bowling ball and I took it for her. Two seconds later this tall handsome young man swept it out of my hands and started carrying it without a word.

It was Ian. My heart melted with happiness. I always wanted to raise my boys into gentlemen and here he was making my dream come true. I love that boy.

Tonight at parent teacher conferences, his teachers gushed about him. The teacher who he TAs for said he is the best TA she has ever had. She told me how he helps out the kids in the class and they call him the tall one and they all look up to him and think he is cool. She kept saying, "it's this class of 7th graders and then there is Ian so they all look up to him" until I was like, "you do know that Ian is in 7th grade, right?" She said she knew, but she just meant that he is so tall.

This boy was tall before he was born. At every ultrasound he measured at least 3 weeks ahead of schedule for length, and right on schedule for weight. Tall and skinny even then.

Katie lost a front tooth today. Now both top front teeth are missing. She put the tooth in a cup of water to wash it off. Tonight when she went to put it under her pillow, she grabbed a cup by the fridge that I had refilled several times to drink water and she said, "Oh no! My tooth is gone!" She was so upset and I was thinking I had swallowed her tooth (ew!). I swear I even started to imagine swallowing it and, even though I could not believe I swallowed it without noticing, I was starting to feel an imagined hard lump somewhere deep in my throat. Then, a few minutes later, I realized she had left the tooth in a different cup that was next to the one she thought it was in. Catastrophe averted!

She wrote a note to the tooth fairy explaining the whole funny situation. The note begins with "I love you." When I saw that, my heart melted again. I love that she loves the tooth fairy. I love that she decorated the note with beautiful sparkly butterfly stickers that she picked out at the store yesterday--unselfishly giving away something so special to her. That girl is always showering the people she loves with gifts from the heart.

After parent teacher conferences, I volunteered at the junior high book fair. Things were slow and I started thumbing through a copy of Ripley's Believe it or Not. I was thinking how much Isaac loves that type of book and I ended up buying that one plus another unbelievable fact book. I'm not usually frivolous and spontaneous with my money however I realized that I'm always thinking about buying him more books like that because he checks them out from the library and owns one or two and he reads them every night and eats them up. But, I'm always putting someday off.

Earlier today, Katie was talking about how special her stuffed animals are to her and how she likes to talk to them and I suddenly remembered a moment when Ian was five and I walked in on him playing a game of "Trouble" with his three webkinz stuffed animals. They were sitting around the corners of the board and he would take one of their paws in his hand to push the plastic bubble in the center of the board (to roll the dice) and then use their paw to move a game piece around the board. Then he would move to the next player and repeat. It was one of the most dear things I have ever seen.

A few years later he gave those precious webkinz away to his brother and sisters because he didn't have a use for them anymore (and he knew giving them away would make them happy + he is really good at decluttering like that).

When I saw Katie treasuring her stuffed animals today and I thought about how quickly Ian grew from that sweet five year old boy to the sweet taller-than-me teenager that he is today and I had one of those moments where it really hit me how fast time flies.

So, I saw those books and I bought them. As predicted, Isaac was very excited. Plus I think he felt pretty special when he asked to see what books I bought for the other kids and I said, "I didn't buy any books for the other kids. I only bought books for you." He read a bunch of facts about possible ways the world could end (according to science) until I made him go to bed. I'm sure I will see him reading these books many more times in the months to come. I am so glad I seized the moment.

Denver Airport Westin and Thoughts on Feminism

Last night I returned from a fast business trip to Denver. The total time from when I left my driveway to when I pulled back into it was 34-hours.

The meeting was held at a hotel that is connected to the Denver airport so it's kind of like I flew in and never left the airport. I rolled my suitcase across a breezeway from baggage claim and checked in at the front desk. I really liked the concept for a fast trip like this one.

I am so grateful to the people who helped out with the kids so I could go to work. It took three family members and one friend to keep our kids safe and going where they needed to go. Does that seem like a lot of helping hands pitching in for me to be gone less than a day and a half? Yes, it does.

I couldn't help thinking about the irony as I was trying to cover all the bases for my tiny trip compared to the fact that later this month Brian goes to L.A. for five days -- FIVE -- yet, he won't need to make one phone call or spend one minute worrying about who will take care of his kids while he is gone.

The enormity of that came crashing down on me this week.

Growing up, I was given the impression that "feminism" was a dirty word. Men provide and women raise the kids and keep the home. End of the story. I get that men and women are different and I embrace it. However, in the last few years, my world view has been changing and it's hard not to feel sadness bubbling up when I think about the vast disparity in equality that exists.

I guess this is the blog post where some of these feelings that have been building up for years come pouring out of me.

When I was in college, I worked in the student services center. Occasionally my boss brought his baby to work with him because the babysitter cancelled last minute and it was "his turn" to take responsibility. He and his wife both worked full time. With the lens through which I viewed the world at that time, I didn't know how to make sense of such a liberal arrangement.

Now, twenty years, four kids, and a lot of lessons from the school of hard knocks later I find myself thinking this:

1) Traditional gender roles don't work for a lot of people for a lot of reasons.

I had a longer list -- but, there is so much to say that I don't know where to start and where to stop. I can sum it up in that one sentence and say that this realization has caused so many conflicting emotions and so much confusion about my own choices in my life. It is hard to sort out. I could go on for one million words and some of my thoughts would go in endless circles.

Once the lens through which I view the world changed, I started to see inequality all around me. It encroaches in so many subtle ways.

The realization that Brian has had 100% freedom to pursue his career goals and life aspirations every minute of every day since he became a father, in terms of actually leaving the house, and neither one of us has even acknowledged the profound gift this is that I have given to him for 15-years now hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't even imagine what that would feel like to be able to go out and take care of business knowing that my kids were 100% cared for 100% of the time without me having to ask anyone to do it and without feeling guilty about having to ask. Incomprehensible. Yet, that is the expectation both of us have had from our relationship all this time.

I am so grateful to the friends and family who kept our kids the last two days, not just so I could work, but so BOTH of us could equally go and do the things we needed to do to keep our family going.  I can see that I have a lot of work to do to change my thinking and my behavior so I can break this hurtful cycle and be a better example to my kids.

It's been a tough journey. It took me a long time to accept that I am a working mom and still a good person. I embrace that now, but there is a long journey ahead to figure out what all of this means in terms of redefining the way our household is managed.

I think the difficulty is partly due to the fact that both Brian and I were raised by stay at home moms, all of our friends were raised by stay at home moms and all of our aunts and grandmas were stay at home moms. Neither of us has a model of how this is suppose to work. I am beginning to see that my boss back in college all those years ago understood something important that I am just now beginning to understand.