The House Dilemma

I love my house. I really do. I loved my old house too. I always appreciated the stained glass windows and the original maple hardwood floors. I loved my spice cabinet and my neighbors and most of all, I enjoyed the front porch. But, that little house was very crowded by the time we welcomed our sixth family member and when that baby was two-and-a-half it was a relief to move on.

We needed something a little bigger. We had just under 2000 square feet (and half of that was in a basement with 6' ceilings). I figured somewhere around 2500-2700 square feet and taller basement ceilings would do the trick. I never imagined having a huge house, but we needed a little more space as the kids got older. Especially because I was in the business of daycare so there were usually 10+ people in our house all day.

The house we got is nearly two and a half times as big as the house we left. Yet it cost us less than a 2700 square foot house would have. It was an amazing find and we feel blessed beyond belief to have bought it. Even after five years of living here, I still look around and think, "I never would have imagined myself living in a house like this." There is so much space for our kids and all of their friends to spread out and play. The yard is a magical land for Katie, Isaac and all the boys on the block to play in. And the view. I can see the sun setting behind the mountains past the Great Salt Lake every evening through my windows. Before I lived here I never knew what a difference having an amazing view could make in your life.

I love this house. It has great bones. I like the neighborhood. It is quiet and safe. I love living steps away from the trails. It is a great place to raise our family and although every single thing is not perfect, I don't really have anyplace else in mind where I would rather be.

The dilemma begins with the fact that this house was such an amazing deal for a reason. It needs a lot of work. We have sunk thousands into it (thanks to the sale of a van that was paid for, tax return money and most of all the sale of our other house). We have spent a ton of money, yet it feels like a drop in the bucket compared to what still needs to be done! I feel that if someone gave me $50K tomorrow -- they won't, but even if that somehow happened -- it would be gone in an instant in home improvements and I still don't know if the most basic projects would be finished.

We have done so much work to our yard. We have installed the sprinkler system, sod, landscaping rocks and a new patio and put so many hours into working on it. Yet it's only about 70% done. And, some days the wild, weedy, terrible looking 30% is all I can see. It is overwhelming to think about what it will take to complete it.

Brian replaced all of the plumbing and he is in the process of re-wiring the whole house. That is three major home improvement projects -- yard, plumbing, wiring. The basement has also been a huge investment of time and money, yet the majority of the space down there has been sitting dormant as a messy construction zone for almost two years. We need to somehow conjure up a lump sum of $10K to get that going again. And that is just for materials with us doing all the labor.

The carpet was new when we moved in, but it turns out it was the cheapest carpet available, so it already needs to be replaced. The giant custom patio doors are broken ($4K to replace), the gorgeous windows that I love are all single pane (another $13K if we ever want to replace), the cedar roof must be oiled every few years ($1K each time) and if we ever need to replace it, we are probably looking at $30-$40K just to get less expensive asphalt shingles. I feel panicked every time Brian talks about re-doing the kitchen as if it is happening right away. Our kitchen is fine (although the floor needs to be replaced), but it's not a really awesome kitchen. It is begging to be remodeled. The formal dining room next to it and the den off of that are screaming to be combined into one awesome kitchen/dining area (with a fireplace that already exists in the den and would be so awesome as part of the dining area!). I can live with it the way it is, but I am not sure that Brian can.

I feel overwhelmed when I think about all the things that we want to do to this house. And, some of it could legitimately be called "needs" too. For example, we live in a nice neighborhood and having your yard only 70% complete after 5-years is definitely a social faux pas. And, why shouldn't we finish our flower beds and landscaping to contribute to the common good of neighborhood beautification?

Also, this house, for all its square footage, only has one fully functional bathroom. Yes, we have a master bathroom and it is great for having an extra toilet and a sink. But, Brian is the only one who uses the tiny shower in there and let's be honest, how much good is a bathroom that has no cabinets, no counter space and no outlets to someone besides my bald husband? (Yes you read correctly, the bathroom has no outlets. Our living room also has no lights. What were people thinking in 1949?). I guess you could argue that five people sharing one bathroom is a lot, especially in the next few years when we grow up a little more and we have five teenagers/adults sharing one bathroom to get ready every morning. Another bathroom is part of the basement remodel . . .

I think after fully remodeling a 100-year-old house for 12-years and diving right into remodeling a 65-year-old house has left me kind of worn out. Plus the cost of materials to remodel has gone up dramatically in the past 17-years. Add that to the fact that the cost to remodel a giant house is also dramatically more expensive than our little 2000 square foot house on a postage stamp size piece of land.

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful. I am so in love with this house and it has brought me a lot of joy to live here for five years. But, sometimes when I look at our actual bank account plus the cost of raising four kids plus the long road of home improvement that lies ahead, a part of me just wants to load everyone up and head on a family vacation (which we also can't afford because -- constant home remodel). Sometimes when I consider all those facts, I start to wonder if this was meant to be our forever house or just a really fun stop in the journey to our real forever house? I never imagined living in a house like this and part of the reason for that is that I never wanted to maintain a house this size.

Now comes the dilemma. The market for houses on the east bench has shot up a lot. It is very hot right now with houses selling in weeks or often only days for $100-$115 per square foot. If we wanted to, we could probably take out a loan to quickly finish the basement and cash out on this place. Even without remodeling the dated kitchen. We got such a great deal on it to begin with that we could use the equity to build a brand new 2700 or even 3000 square foot house with a very low mortgage. And the house would be done!!! No more saving up for giant remodel projects!!! You know, so we can focus on saving up for two more sets of braces and car insurance with teenage drivers -- haha! But, seriously, what a relief that would be to shed the weight of the never ending journey through major home improvement projects. What would we do with all our free time?

Some days, I am ready to put that for sale sign in the yard and never look back. But, I will also be sad to lose this view. I am enjoying it right now as I type. And sad/happy to lose this yard. Mostly I will be sad that my kids won't get to grow up in this amazing space. So maybe it would be better to execute this plan in 10-years? Back and forth I go. Moving seems like the responsible choice. But, I will sure miss this house if we do. Is randomly winning huge sums of money an option?

St. Louis 2016

Last week I traveled to St. Louis for my job. The nice thing about my job is that I don't have to go to every meeting, which would mean traveling 10+ times/year. Patti goes to all of the meetings so I don't have to. The other nice thing about my job is that I sometimes get to go to the meetings, which is mostly nice and a little bit not.

It's always fun to go somewhere new. I am using the term "fun" loosely here since these trips are packed with work related activities so it's not like I go sightseeing. But, sometimes we stay in really nice hotels (once it was the four seasons, this time a Hilton), we always eat delicious food, I get a break from cooking and housecleaning and I get lots of uninterrupted time to work (work=get paid!). It's nice to go to some meetings so I can see my boss who lives in Chicago in person once in awhile and meet the members of our organization so they are more than just names on lists that I am endlessly working through. It's kind of nice to have an excuse to dress professionally for three days in a row. If it wasn't for these meetings every 6 or so months, I would probably forget to buy myself something new (this time it was just new lipstick, but still, it's nice to indulge every now and then).

It's not nice because of how hard it is to organize everyone's schedules while I am gone. That part actually wasn't bad this time. I sent Katie to stay at my mom's the whole time and the other three kids are getting old enough to take care of themselves. Plus, Brian didn't have a crazy schedule while I was gone.

Going to these meetings is anxiety producing. I always vow to lose 10-pounds before the meeting (which almost always results in me gaining 5). It is way outside of my comfort zone to be in a room full of powerful CEOs and other higher ups of healthcare systems, pretending to fit in. I am way more comfortable in a house full of crazy kids. Since Patti and I are there as the meeting planners, everything falls to us if something goes wrong. It could be a problem with the A/V equipment, the temperature in the room, a coffee dispenser malfunction, any one of 100 little things really. Plus, my boss is really a stickler for professionalism and he likes attention to the tiniest details. For example, if there are twelve people in the meeting and someone has to duck out early, I need to make sure to remove the extra chair from the room pronto.

In addition to wearing spanx, nylons, high heels, jewelry and lipstick to look like a professional, and tending to every minor detail to keep things running smoothly, I also need to be super friendly and extroverted. I need to remember everyone's names and be really good at making polite small talk with them. It turns out I am actually really good at having conversations with a room full of strangers. Who knew that was a skill that could come in handy? But, there is always an underlying anxiety about opening my mouth and saying something stupid because that is very easy to do.

Last Tuesday, I arrived at our hotel in St. Louis just as my boss (Roger), my colleague (Patti) and the new tech guy (Andrew) were walking to a nearby Italian place for dinner (my flight arrived later than everyone else). I spent a few minutes freshening up and then hustled over to meet them. I sat through dinner acting all casual even though meeting with Roger face-to-face still makes me nervous even after working together (almost exclusively from afar) for a year and a half. I felt like dinner went well and by 9pm I was in my hotel room making all of my last minute preparations for the next day when I had an overwhelming feeling of "What am I doing here?"

Then I remembered a quote or a meme or something I had read recently that said something to the effect that we should do something that scares us every day (or week, or month? It probably said every day, but that would be too much in my opinion). I calmed down and thought, "It's O.K. to feel scared to do this. It means I am going to learn something new."

The meeting went well the next day. There were 23 attendees plus the 4 of us. Thanks to Patti's awesome meeting planning skills (she has been doing this a long time) and Roger's outstanding leadership skills (he has also been doing this a long time) things went off without a hitch. One of the really clever parts about these meetings is that we meet all day the first day and then we go to dinner that night. After everyone has been having serious discussions all day, the dinner is a time for the attendees to relax and get to know each other on a more personal level. I told Roger I thought it was an ingenious model and he revealed that in the early days, he tried to stick to a strict agenda even during dinner thinking it would maximize everyone's time. But, then he realized the magic of the unstructured dinner.

We had quite the diverse group of people sitting at my table. One guy worked for United for so many years that he has lifetime flying privileges. He lives in an upscale neighborhood outside of Chicago and flies to Seattle every Monday morning to work at a healthcare system and flies back home every Friday. By the way, this new group deals in cybersecurity -- it's kind of a new issue for healthcare systems in the past 5 years or so. So, almost everyone has a different background from before they came into Catholic healthcare.

The guy to my left retired from the military after spending 11 out of his 20 years with them deployed at sea. He and the airline guy have visited more than 50 countries each! I found that very interesting. Retired military guy lives on Whidbey Island -- an enchanted place that Patti and I visited together several years ago. He only has to go into his office two days a week, but it is a two hour drive each way!

Anyways, the evening was filled with interesting conversations about these things, and a lot of tech speak in between that honestly didn't make any sense to me so I just smiled and nodded at those parts.

By the time dinner was over, Tuesday and Wednesday had gone well. Thursday was a breeze. The second day of the meeting usually is. The meeting ends at noon so the time passes quickly. We all had late flights out, so Patti, Roger, Andrew and I decided to grab lunch at P.F. Chang's before heading to the airport. I really do feel blessed to have this job even if it scares me sometimes.

Probably the most awkward moment of the trip was when I changed out of my spanx and nylons and high heels in the airport bathroom with the auto toilet flushing 100x so I could wear something more comfortable on the long flight home.

I forgot to mention that when I got to the SLC airport at the start of the trip, I stopped in the restroom (I had taken the frontrunner to the airport which was awesome!) and there was a young girl who looked about 20 who was on her phone, pressing her face against the wall sobbing. I asked her if I could help her, because my own teenagers aren't so far from 20 and I would hate to think of them sobbing in an airport bathroom alone. She assured me she was fine. And, sure enough, a few minutes later I saw her going through security looking radiant like she had never been crying at all. It reminded me that we are all fighting a battle even if things look fine on the outside and it is important to be kind to each other (isn't that a meme also?).

My mom gave me a book to read on the trip called 600 Hours of Edward about a man in his late 30s who has mild autism and OCD. It is written from his perspective which was entertaining and enlightening. It is so interesting to think of the world from someone else's perspective like that. Sometimes, when Edward was so baffled by a human interaction (because he took everything literally) or so thrown off when every routine in his life didn't go as planned, I got a little lump in my throat thinking of my own guy who reacts to the world that way.

The travel time (with transfers -- it's hard to find non-stop flights between SLC and St. Louis) was so long that I finished the book and I had to read some humorous writings by Tina Fey on the way home.

I got home late on Thursday and woke up Friday to take Katie on a field trip to one of those farms that transforms into a place for family fun at this time of year with giant slides and corn mazes. We took a hayride out to a field where we selected the most perfect pumpkins and accidentally disturbed a nest of baby mice (Katie's favorite part!). We had a great time and picked up Sophie from school (she gets out early on Fridays) then we all went to lunch at a little Mexican place called "Rosas."

Brian left Friday night to take the boys (with a brother-in-law and boy cousins) mountain biking in Moab for the weekend. Katie and I ran errands Saturday morning while Sophie rehearsed for A Fairly Potter Christmas Carol. That night, I took both girls to see Sophie's friend perform at DaVinci in Sleepy Hollow. The performance was well done and spooky and even Katie really liked it. All of us (two of Sophie's friends too) went out to ice-cream afterward and I felt like a real mom of teenagers. It is a fun mom stage to be in and I am sure it passes quickly just like the rest.

Now, it is a new week and I feel like I am still catching up from being absent from my life last week. I haven't worked out in six weeks because things became crazy busy the moment school was back in session and I haven't made the time or established a new routine or something. When I see people post hiking photos on social media I feel so jealous and it is silly because I have two great trailheads just a stone's throw in either direction from my front door. So, yesterday at 6pm when I felt like lying down and watching Netflix to calm down for a few minutes, I took Katie's hand instead and we had a delightful walk in the mountains. It started with me huffing and puffing feeling barely able to walk up 27th Street to the trailhead and ended with me feeling awesome and even doing some light voluntary jogging (downhill mind you). It is a wonderful time of year and I hope we do it again before the cold weather comes.

Anxiety's Name is Bob

When Katie was three, I signed her up for preschool taught by a magical lady, Miss Jill, who goes to the same church as we do. Katie L-O-V-E-D Miss Jill and they always worked on the cutest songs and art projects in class. Every preschool day was a good day.

Until two months before the second year of preschool ended (also two months before Katie turned five). One day I drove her to school and when we got there she wouldn't get out of the car saying she just didn't feel like going. It was odd, but I figured if my daughter wanted an extra day with me it was perfectly reasonable.

After that day, she never wanted to go to preschool. In fact, first thing every morning she would ask if it was a school day and if I said "yes" she instantly became uneasy. Then she started asking at bedtime if tomorrow was a school day and if I said "yes" the apprehension began.

I didn't know we were starting down a confusing path of anxiety. I didn't know that the adorable stutter she developed was one of the signs. Or, the way she so sweetly crawled in bed with me in the middle of the night. Or, the loud teeth grinding sessions that I heard as she slumbered next to me. I didn't know that this beautiful sweet daughter of mine who had been the most independent of all four of my kids from the time she turned one until almost her fifth birthday was now facing a struggle that would become clinical and cast a shadow over her innocent childhood.

The struggle to go to school followed her to Kindergarten and spilled over to her ability to attend her primary class on Sundays. After awhile she no longer wanted to go play at friends' houses or go to the dance class she had loved. When first grade started, Brian and I both felt our hearts breaking as we left her wailing and trembling day after day with her soft-spoken teacher who lovingly gave her a stuffed animal to cuddle each morning in an attempt to help her calm down.

One night, I was leaving to take Sophie to Salt Lake and Katie didn't want me to go. After I left her with Brian, she started throwing up every half hour, more than twenty times, all through the night until I called the doctor the next morning and he prescribed something to help her stop.

One morning, she woke up shaking because she was so nervous to go to school. After an hour of terror and tears I took her to class but when we got there her face had started to break out in hives so I took her back home. By the next morning, her entire face was so swollen, blotchy, red and disfigured that the doctor prescribed steroids.

That is when I started to think seriously about anxiety.

I read all I could and talked to her about the part of her brain that helps her sense danger -- we named it Bob -- and how Bob was sensing danger when there wasn't any real danger and making her feel scared when she didn't need to be scared. She was stoic and valiantly tried to overcome her fear, but in January of her first grade year we started seeing a professional therapist.

The therapist talked to her more about Bob and gave her some mental tools to help her calm down when she is anxious. We have come a long way when it comes to heading off the panic attacks before they start. But, now we have to figure out how to deal with the counterpart that sometimes slips into anxiety's place -- depression. When she is working so hard to stave off the fright, she fades into sadness and despondence like a delicate flower.

This morning, the anxiety reared its head when I woke her up to get ready for her 1/2-day of fun classes. On Tuesdays she gets to do an hour of dance and hour of art and an hour of animal encounters where the teacher brings interesting animals like lizards and tarantulas and they study and talk about them. She loves these classes. And today was extra special because we bought dance shoes. But, none of that matters when Bob shows up. In her effort to stay calm, she became so sad, detached and distant. On the plus side, she didn't freak out and cry or break out in hives. But, she just sat there with no light in her saying, "I just don't feel like dancing today."

This child who skips and turns cartwheels everywhere we go! This girl with so much zest and curiosity for life. This little one who loves every one of her stuffed animals and lays out tea parties for her friends. How can such grown up things as anxiety and depression be part of her world?

This morning we rubbed her favorite essential oils on her feet and did grounding exercises and prayed together. I will keep hoping that someday these challenges can be turned into strengths.

UPDATED: When I picked her up from school she was bubbling over with excitement about the new dance she learned, the picture she created from paint and oil pastels and the giant snake she held (that covered four kids!). Sometimes when I am reassuring her that everything will be O.K., I need to stop and remind myself too that everything will indeed be O.K.