Philly is Chilly

What a strange week is has been. I've got so many things taking up my mental space. First, I'm a mom. And, at this stage in my life, that takes up the most mental space. Sometimes, I think I am getting dementia or I have brain damage. That is not hyperbole. Sometimes, I honestly think there is something wrong with my brain because I say and do the craziest things or forget how to do something I've done 100 times. Like a "senior moment" except that I'm in my 40s. I'm starting to think these things happen because of the mental load of keeping everything straight regarding everyone in my family and everything in my home.

I start to feel like I am losing my mind because, on top of the mental load of the home and family, I am trying to cram in a ton of information that I need to keep straight on a daily basis about my job with CCHC. This is usually where the parts that I look like I am losing my mind come out. Like, I will be talking to one of my bosses, who both have their lives in strict order (I'm not kidding) and I will cross wires in the most ridiculous ways and the strangest things come out of my mouth. Or, I'm supposed to send an email to Dr. Gillean and all of the sudden I will send it to Dr. Gilfillan -- and, even though their names sound alike, they are completely different people in completely different states that we are working with in completely different capacities. Of course, I cc my bosses on said email.

I just keep rollin with it.

Added to the mental load of home and family and the CCHC job there is the PEGUS job. Which has been on hold since October. It has been a nice hiatus from all the travel (only out of town once for CCHC from October until now). But, it has not been nice to go so long without an extra paycheck. The PEGUS money was supposed to be extra. But, of course we grew accustomed to it quickly. So, I'm about ready for the money drought to be over.

Another new thing taking up my mental real estate is a huge conference in San Diego coming up the first week of May. My colleague is planning it and asked me to assist her. Things are ramping up for CleanMed. It's exciting and a little stressful.

Then, the same colleague asked me to help her with yet another May meeting she is planning that is completely unrelated to everything else. Not to travel, just the backend stuff. So, I set up the registration platform, but, then I was like, hold on! This is getting a little crazy wearing all these different hats. It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to do a spreadsheet for one group and switch gears to a registration platform for another group and then switch gears again and start uploading materials to a website for a different group and stop all that to run a webinar for another group. (And, maybe jump on a plane and collect FDA research for something different entirely in the middle of it all--I digress). But, suddenly I start sending Dr. Gillean's emails to Dr. Gilfillan and I can't remember if I'm working on the meeting in St. Louis or the one in San Diego. I end up looking like a crazy fool and I'm like--slow it all down a little!

I left out that my kids are asking me to please warm some chicken nuggets while I'm focusing on keeping all these balls related to work from dropping.

So ... today I told my colleague I'm going to have to draw the line at the San Diego pre-conference prep and just say no to the other new conference work she is throwing my way. I realized I had a problem yesterday when I started contemplating finding a new job rather than say "no" and risk disappointing my colleague. Why is it so hard for me to say "no"? I'll tell you why--I have a problem with people pleasing and I'm starting to understand that I need to work on it. So, I said "no" to one project and "yes" to a host of others and I give myself permission to not try to make everyone happy all the time.

It is spring break. I was supposed to be in Philly this week for a PEGUS study--the first one in 2018. I was drooling for that extra paycheck. My flight and hotel were scheduled and I traveled to SLC last Thursday for an all day training. I was set to leave early yesterday morning and get back late Friday night. At the end of the training, after half of us had already checked out laptops and left the building (I was still there), they got a call saying the study was cancelled. Or, more accurately postponed. Nevertheless, this week's travel was called off. It was a shock!

Friday is my birthday and Brian and I were joking because last time I was out of town (in January) it was our anniversary. We were also in different states for his birthday last fall. We were joking that it was becoming our thing to be apart for all special occasions. But, now I'm here so I guess it isn't our thing after all.

The newspaper today said there is a freak snowstorm in Philly. I'm glad I'm missing out on that.

Now, I'm home and it's spring break. And, my first thought when the study was canceled was that I should take my kids out to have fun and make some memories.

Alas, there is still work to do. Work for CCHC. And, work for CleanMed. But, not work for PEGUS or that other meeting that I said "no" to. The house needs attention. And, more pressing than that, our washer bit the dust on Saturday. It's a mighty good thing I am not in Philly because I have spent the better part of the past four days using nearly all of the space in my brain to figure out what washing machine to buy. This is not an easy decision! You see, I've never had a nice washer and dryer. I've never had a washer that I really, truly loved and I haven't even had a matched set. So, the plan was that when this washer or dryer broke, I would finally get the washer/dryer set of my dreams.

But, those dreams were shattered when salesperson after salesperson explained to me that I could drop $3K or more on a set that looks lovely and has all the bells and whistles, but those horrible people manufacturing all the washers and dryers these days are so filled with greed that they are making them with plastic parts that are sure to break in under ten years. $3K for a washer/dryer that lasts less than 10 years! Some salespeople are telling me that even the beautiful and popular LGs are sometimes breaking in as little as 2 years. And, those greedy manufacturers are charging so much for replacement parts, people are ending up buying brand new again. I guess it's kind of a gamble because I could get a washer/dryer that I love for up to 10 years. Even 15 if I'm really lucky--but, I'm pretty sure the people making it to 15 years are not doing nearly as much laundry as me.

I resisted and resisted buying the super boring Speed Queen. It's just like washing machines of days gone by. Not a single bell or whistle or anything sleek in its design. And, the worst part? It's not even large capacity. At least my washer that bit the dust was large capacity. Oh, how I loved washing those giant loads of laundry all at once. But, I am finally convinced. To top it off, I found a scratch and dent discounted to $750. At least I'm not paying $1K for this reliable workhorse that offers nothing in the tantalizing department. Can washing machines be tantalizing? Turns out, if you wash enough laundry, they can be.

Brian is picking up our Speed Queen in the morning and at least I can wash the laundry again. I have a pretty small window between the washer breaking and needing to spend 12-hours at my mom's house to get caught up on all the loads.

In other news, my kids are doing great. When we moved to this house, there was not one girl Katie's age in the area for years. My prayers have been answered because now there are a pack of girls her age and she runs around with them every chance she gets. They go up and down the street, rotating between about five houses, and the best part is that all the moms of all the girls are happy to feed them and entertain them. She is watching a movie at one house, jumping on the trampoline at the next and then those girls are off to a hot tub party. It suddenly feels like she is eight going on sixteen.

I guess she has finally won me over to the idea of homeschooling for another year. It is hard to say no because I love the program so much. I only wanted to put her in school because it felt like it was what was best for her for the social aspect. She is so lonely during the day when all of her friends are at school. But, I guess we will see how it goes.

Isaac keeps busy writing code on his computer, making fires in the backyard, biking, scootering and being curious about the world in general.

Ian's musical talents continue to blossom. He has one more week of winter line (indoor marching band). They took first place at their last competition! I'm so proud of him for continuing to earn straight A's in school; for tackling all of his core classes online, an option he chose because the online courses are actually more challenging and he was feeling bored at school. He is a social butterfly, spending every spare moment with his large circle of friends. I love getting to be a fly on the wall when the gang hangs out at our place.

Last Saturday, Sophie went to prom. That girl has gone to every school dance since the beginning of 9th grade. At first, it was because she was on the planning committee. On dance days, she helped set up and clean up and of course she wanted to go hang out at the event in between. After she turned 16, I think we both assumed it would turn into her going with a date or at least a friend group. Sadly, that hasn't happened yet. But, my sweet girl has persevered in making the best of it. She had such a gorgeous lavender dress for prom. Simply my favorite one yet. She asked me to take her to dinner so I did. Then we went to a swanky place for dessert (1107 for creme brulee). I looked across the table at my stunning daughter and I thought about how lucky I was to get to be with her in that moment; a moment most parents only imagine or, if they are lucky, get to hear about when it is done. I decided to stop being sad that these dances haven't looked the way she or I expected and to appreciate the unique experience we were having.

Also on Saturday, I got to go to a group run/pancake breakfast that Brian organized. Here is the story about that. Three years ago, when Brian worked for GOAL Foundation, he brought Mountain Luxury on as a major sponsor. Together they decided to host a group run with a free pancake breakfast and some prize giveaways leading up to the Ogden Marathon. I think he said three people showed up, so it was kind of a bust. After he left GOAL, he was hired by Mountain Luxury and he decided to try the event again last year. About 50 people showed up. So, this year, he decided to give it another go and there were about 200 people there! It was quite amazing to see what he had pulled together. I was really proud of him.

It's spring break. I'm getting a new washer. It's chilly in Philly and I'm so glad I'm not trying to drive a rental car through the traffic and the snow in a strange place. It's pretty chilly in Ogden too. But, we are rollin with it. Taking life one day at a time.

Growing Pains

Today I logged 7 hours of work in the home office and washed 7 loads of laundry. I accomplished all of this and took a shower too. But, I skipped the gym and Katie and Isaac's homeschool lessons. I'm not really counting it as a skipped homeschool day because, all on their own, they watched episode after episode of Bill Nye and Our Planet Earth. That is some educational stuff! I learned a lot from Bill playing in the background and I saw a sloth swimming in some beautiful blue water. Did you know sloths can swim? But elephants can't jump and Madagascar seems like a pretty cool place to visit.

No gym. No homeschool. I cleaned up the fortress that's been part of the living room decor for the past week and vacuumed the rug. I fed Katie and Isaac some lunch, but I didn't make any dinner. This is my life these days. Some days I cook and clean, some days. But, on those days, I am lucky if I log 1 or 2 hours of work in the home office. Most days I sit with the kids while they do their homeschool lessons and some days lately I've gotten myself to stop by the gym after dropping Sophie off at early morning seminary. I have come to a place where I accept that I cannot do it all and I try to be satisfied with what I have done and let all the undone things of the day go. It is hard because so many things are left undone every single day.

This is a busy time no doubt. My days are full and I try to hold onto the moments as much as I can. I am torn about so many things when it comes to my kids growing up. On the one hand, it's kind of weird when Ian asks me to drive him and his friends to Jake's Over the Top for fries and shakes because I just sit in the car for an hour and wait for them to finish. So, it will be nice when he gets his license in the fall and he can drive to all the places he needs to go. On the other hand, he will have his license and will drive himself everywhere he needs to go and that is a little sad that I won't get to take a little peek in the window now and then and see him and his friends laughing while they eat their fries and shakes. Such a dilemma for a mom, you know?

It is the same with Katie and Isaac. Next year, the plan is for them to go to school. Isaac ages out of the homeschool program since he'll be in the 7th grade. There is a 50/50 chance Katie will end up staying in the homeschool program; but I fear she will be so bored without Isaac at home with her and the older she gets the more she wants to be with friends all day. So, we will try regular school for both of them next year. On the one hand, it will be so nice to have uninterrupted hours in my day to put in time at the home office. Oh, to finish a typing or editing something without an interruption! And, homeschooling the kids won't have to be an item on my list that goes unchecked now and then. On the other hand, it brings me a lot of joy to see them here and know that they are safe and happy. Sometimes bored, but mostly not too miserable. Not bullied. Not treated poorly by teachers or left out at recess. They are safe and they are happy. So, sending them to school is good and also sad.

I think the real sadness is that I am growing older. I started on this journey of motherhood and it seemed like my years of being a young mom stretched out indefinitely across the horizon for as far as my eyes could see. When we considered that Isaac might be our last baby, I couldn't believe that only 4 years after I started my journey, I was done with having babies. There would be no more babies and it seemed like I had only had my first baby one moment before. Alas, there was one more baby for us nearly four years after that thought and I can honestly say that four kids spanning eight years has been the magic number to sufficiently wear me out and make me certain that we reached our absolute limits.

Having young children was heaven for me. Especially the elementary years. I adored my years as a young mom and there is a sadness to seeing it passing. My baby is almost nine-years-old and by the end of summer the other three will be teens. Big changes for our family this fall as we enter the stage where one child is a senior, one enters his first year of high school and one enters his first year of junior high and two get their driver's licenses. At least I assume two will get their licenses. Sophie just turned 17 and has so far been unmotivated to get hers. But, I'm pretty sure when Ian turns 16 in November he will want to get his right away and this will spur Sophie to action as she will not want to be upstaged by her younger brother.

Even though I loved being a mom to young kids, I can also see that it starts to wear you out. I am not the same mom to Katie at 8 as I was to Sophie at 8. Not that one version of me was better or worse; but different. I can't stay in the same place forever. I loved reading board books to my babies, but then I wanted to move on to picture books and then chapter books as my kids grew up. I loved reading board books to my babies, but I don't want to keep reading board books for the rest of my life. Time marches on and to a great extent I have enjoyed all of the stages so far. Well--I'll be honest, the teenage years with Sophie have been rough, but, yes I've even enjoyed those to the greatest extent that I can. It is fun to see your kids grow into the people you've been watching them morph into since they showed up in your arms as tiny bundles. It's sad, but it's good.

Becoming Courageous

This shot with Sophie and me in the crowd and a close up shot of me where I am holding my sign over my head ran in several online news articles

Well ... if anyone reads my blog anymore (besides me, I'm really not sure!), I might create some bad feelings with this post. That is not my intention. Like the title suggests, I'm working on becoming more courageous, starting with having the courage to record a significant event that happened in my life Saturday.

I attended my first ever political rally, ironically on the same day Sophie attended her first political rally. She actually invited me. She is way more progressive than me.

Last year, I was intrigued when I heard there would be a "Women's March." I wondered what it was about? I was curious to the point that I kind of wanted to participate, but I guess my interest was not piqued enough to do my research and learn that there was a sister march taking place right here in Ogden, Utah! If I had realized that, I might have driven down the street to take part in what is now being called the largest march in history.

Truth be told, I was out of town the week before the 2017 women's march and got in late Friday night. So, I didn't want to wake up first thing Saturday morning and leave my kids again. But, now I wish I had.

When I woke up that day, I remember lying in my bed and looking at my facebook feed to see a livestream of the massive crowd in Washington, D.C. I looked at that enormous group of women gathered in solidarity for women and tears of joy began to flow. I listened to some of the speakers get up and tell their stories about sexual violence and other struggles (one lady told about being the victim of rape and then having to fight for a new law to be passed to get her rape kit tested in the aftermath) and more hot tears just flowed down my cheeks. I was so moved. It was obvious to me that we can and must do better for women.

It was a moment I can never forget. I was transformed.

Then, I saw the photos of women marching by the tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands in other cities and photos of crowds or women however large (or small) gathered on every continent on earth!!! Every. Continent. Over 4 million women came out to show support for women all over the globe on this single day for this single event!!!

4 million marchers and not one single arrest. Talk about a crowd with pure intentions.

It was one of the most meaningful moments in my entire life. It touched me deeply. To me, it signified a sisterhood without borders like I had never experienced before. Caught up in the emotion of the moment, I almost said something on facebook, like, "This is one of the most beautiful events, I can not believe what I am seeing!" Even though I usually try really hard to remain politically neutral on social media. It didn't even occur to me that it wasn't one of the most beautiful moments for every woman, or at least the vast majority because I know there are always some outliers in every situation.

I didn't post a comment right then. And, to my huge surprise, when I scrolled through my facebook feed later in the day there were tons of my facebook friends posting #notmymarch and disparaging the march as a "Pro-choice" or at least "Anti-pro-life." When the local newspaper reported on it the next day, it was referred to as an "Anti-Trump March."

This made me really sad. I wished all women could come together and link arms in solidarity on this one point--that we are women and we love each other and we want the world to be a better place for women no matter if we personally are pro-choice or pro-life, for or against the President, or wherever we find ourselves politically on any issue. For one beautiful moment in time can't we be women making a show that is pro-woman, millions of us together, supporting each other simply because we are sisters?

Once I saw it was controversial, I didn't want to say anything at all. My feelings were so tender. I felt like someone disparaging the event to me directly could really affect my relationship to that person. Some people who attended the march were anti-Trump, but that was not the heart of the message. I also didn't feel it had to be offensive to people who are pro-life even though there was a strong pro-choice message. How sad to dismiss the whole event over one or two points. I chose to see it as a beautiful gathering of women across the entire world standing together for women and the many diverse and complex backgrounds we come from and various beliefs we hold. To call it a pro-choice rally or an anti-Trump demonstration, in my opinion, missed the point.

I was wondering if there would be a women's march 2.0. I was sad I had missed my opportunity to take part in the first. So, when Sophie found information about a women's march in Ogden on the day before the one year anniversary of the original event and invited me to go, of course I said "yes."

Our signs read, "One is not born courageous, one becomes so," -Marijane Satrapi. I feel like this quote fits me perfectly. I was raised believing that feminist is a bad word. And, I guess I've never considered going to a rally because it didn't seem like the polite and ladylike thing to do. If my life had turned out the way I imagined it would, I guess I might still be happy to stay in that place of thought. But, God had other plans for me and after walking through the the burning refiner's fire for most of the last two decades, I guess all of that has brought me to this moment in time. This moment where I step out of that place that was engraved in my heart since birth and try to learn another way. As painful as it has been to grow into this new place of thinking over the years, maybe I can even say now, it is a better way. Moving from one place to the other takes a lot of courage. Going to the march took courage. Holding my sign high when the photographer pointed his camera my way took courage. Writing this post took courage after being too scared to share my feelings about the women's march for the past twelve-months.

When I arrived at the rally, I started to feel nervous that it was going to be a lot of negativity; and I don't like it when people get heated up with negativity whether our views align or not. Using hate and negativity is never the answer. So, I was relieved and so happy when all the speakers kept the message positive. Wow--it was such an incredible empowering day! Then I saw the photos in the news with me and my daughter standing there side by side at the Women's March 2.0. Then, the photos of the women's marches worldwide started flooding the internet. It was not on the scale it was last year. But, still pretty overwhelming.

I woke up today to the following quote in the newspaper by Davis County Republican precinct chair Casey Fisher, "The more I study history the more I think giving voting rights to others not head of household has been a grave mistake." As Ian and I discussed this, he asked, "Why would he say it has been a grave mistake?" And, I said, "Great question!" Is it because now, 90-years later, women are still asking to be treated equally? Because the #metoo movement is exposing sexual predator behavior in the workplace? Like Ian, I would really like to understand the reason behind such a statement.

Reading this was as shocking as reading a letter written to the editor two years ago by another Utah GOP official explaining why simple economics dictate that women should never be paid equal wages to men. It blows my mind that people hold these sentiments privately much less expressing them publicly. As long as people say these things or think them, I will be compelled to join with my sisters and march and my courage to do so will continue to grow.

I am so happy I got to take part this year. I'm so proud of Sophie for helping me find my voice. Our signs may have said, "One is not born courageous ..." but I think she was.

2018--Our Most Blessed Year!

 We welcomed 2018 with a trip to Loveland Aquarium on New Year's Day.

 Bunny love!

We found a home for Katie's 100+ stuffed animals; now we can see her bedroom floor again.

Last night was a beautiful snowstorm after a long string of warm sunny days that have felt like spring. It has been the best January I can remember--usually a cold, bleak month that gets me feeling down. I have been soaking it in! 

Last night, Ian had a houseful of friends over, Sophie had a friend over, and Katie and Isaac had a cousin over. I wandered through my full house and basked in the happy vibes. It was a wonderful feeling to see all of my kids enjoying themselves. It was nice to have them all at home, know where they were, who they were with and what they were doing. They are growing up! In the next twelve months, I will no doubt have two with driver's licenses and then they will be excited to go out and have fun with their friends at places other than home. In many ways, I wish I could freeze time right now. Which is funny, because right now is also such a struggle in many ways. The oppositional nature of life!

I mostly wanted to write down my feelings about last night, but I guess I'll re-cap the past month as well. 

What a lovely December we had with Katie so excited to find her pal the Elf of the Shelf every day. It was the perfect holiday season with just the right amount of busy, but not too much. Right after Christmas wrapped up, we did get a little crazy by scheduling a family photo shoot and getting Sophie and Ian's wisdom teeth out. 

The photo shoot was way more stressful leading up to it than the actual shoot. Our family photo shoots are traditionally sooooo stressful that someone always cries (sometimes me--which is not great for my smile or my make-up) right in the middle. Even though I wanted a photo where my 8-year-old is older than one-year-old to hang on the wall, I was dreading the actual shoot. Then, Brian, smartly asked a co-worker who is a photographer to take our family photo. It was magic! Instead of Brian trying to TAKE the photo and BE IN the photo simultaneously and being frustrated, we could all be in the photo and smile at the camera and it was super helpful too that she could see us and say, "put your chin up" or "tilt your head that way" or whatever other instructions we needed (rather than shooting a bunch of photos, then looking at the shots to see what we are all doing wrong and trying to adjust and shooting a bunch more photos ...) Total game changer!

The day after family photos, Sophie and Ian got their wisdom teeth out. They were so cute cuddled up on the sectional with their chipmunk cheeks and ice-packs and they recovered really well. Much easier than getting tonsils and adenoids out (the surgeries they had earlier in 2017). 

We had a really nice holiday season and a fun Christmas Day followed by the most mild January weather in recent history. Some gift highlights were a full-length mirror for me (now I am dreaming about how to remodel the entry way so we can hang it); a marathon medal lamp for Brian; light up Heelys for Sophie; weights, soccer pants and soccer ball for Ian; a pogo stick for Isaac (he has bounced on it SO much; I mean like a possible record breaking number of bounces; and, so much that he actually broke it after 3-weeks; I'm pretty sure he wore it out; Amazon is shipping us a new one); Katie got a stuffed owl and a nutcracker from Santa as well as an ipod. This goes against our normal rule of being at least 11 before you get your own electronic. But, it's been a rough year for her being the only one in the house without a device (and rough on me since she always wants to use my phone-haha!). Plus, we had an extra iPod after we bought Ian his first phone a few months ago. So, I guess it's one of the perks of being the youngest. She will no doubt get her first phone before she is 15 for the same reason!

In other news, Brian's Real Estate venture is really taking off. So grateful for that. And, I am staying busy with my two freelance jobs. It has been a real gift to have the past three months off from travel. My next trip is the end of this month (to St. Louis). I have another to Peoria, IL in April, and another to San Diego in May. And, I haven't even gotten my travel schedule for my PEGUS job yet. So, it's going to be another busy year of travel I'm sure. In some ways, it is hard, but in other ways it is great. That whole opposition in all things again--haha.