Merry Christmas 2017

This morning, a "memory" photo popped up on my facebook feed of the nativity picture Brian took 7 years ago when Katie was a baby and all of the kids were little. Time has flown by and now two of those little children are taller than me and Sophie got her learner's permit a few days ago.

Brian's job with GOAL Foundation ended the day after Thanksgiving. At first I felt really positive and optimistic about this propelling us into something better. But, now it's Christmas and getting laid off at the holidays is the worst. Maybe this will propel us into something better. In the meantime the bills are relentlessly stubborn in their consistency. I keep trailing off into depression despite my effort not to go down that rabbit hole.

I don't want to blog about that. I want to blog about Christmas and generosity that has been shown to us. Someone anonymously brought a thick envelope of cash to our doorstep and it has saved us. When I opened it I cried non-stop for 30-minutes. My heart was so overwhelmed that someone would do that for us. I said many thanks to God and when I remember that night, it lifts me during this--one of the darkest times of my life.

Since I love to buy Christmas presents for my kids early, I already had their gifts purchased before we knew about the lay-off. We ended up only returning the flat screen tv that was meant as a gift to the whole family. The kids were pretty spoiled with gifts.

Sophie got a zebra print chair in the shape of a high heel that is adorable and a new trendy polaroid camera. It makes me laugh that we are back to polaroids after how far digital technology has come. Hipsters. She did not get the crazy huge teddy bear from Costco that costs $189. For a stuffed animal! Sorry sweetie.

Ian has gotten really into mountain biking on the trails by our house and has had to ride a bike that is more than 20-years-old and doesn't have a shock. Brian found a sweet deal on a beautiful blue mountain bike for him. It was a fun surprise! He also got a case for the electric bass guitar we bought him for his birthday. I love to hear this kid play his instruments. He bought composition software with his own money a few days ago and has been creating amazing tracks ever since. I am grateful for the joy his musical talents bring into my life.

Isaac also received a fun surprise--his own iPod. He was so excited when he opened it. He couldn't believe his eyes! Brian also bought him a miter saw because he loves being a construction worker. I put Ian's old roller blades under the tree since Isaac recently grew out of his. These kids love to get around on wheels.

A few months ago, I was walking through Costco and I made an impulse purchase of a Frozen castle dollhouse. The floor model was so fantastic it hypnotized me. It is ridiculous, standing over 5-feet tall and nearly as wide, so pretty with fancy details and wooden furniture for royalty including a throne, a grand piano and a chandelier that lights up. It is over the top and I don't know where we will put it. But, I was overtaken by a feeling that my baby is growing up and I won't get to buy things like this anymore and it jumped into my cart and came home with me. I promised to return it if Brian told me to. But, since we didn't have any other idea of what to get for Katie that could compare with the wonderful surprises we already had for everyone else we kept it and Brian spent hours assembling it. The nice part is that the castle and the furniture are big enough for her stuffed animals which she plays with every day.

My parents got the kids Lagoon passes again and a nice new rolling carry-on piece of luggage for me.

Before we knew the lay-off was happening, we purchased a one-night stay at a yurt in Goblin Valley and a one-night stay at a new Grey Wolf Lodge in Colorado--it has an indoor waterpark. The trip is happening in February. I'm happy we will get to do this and hope our financial situation has stabilized by then. We coordinated with Brian's sister's family who lives in Colorado. We will stay one night in Goblin Valley, one night with the cousins, and then both of our families will stay a night at the lodge and enjoy the water park together.

Brian is trying to run 50-marathons before his 50th birthday (he has a little less than 3 years to finish). This Saturday he will run his 37th. He noticed there is a marathon in Pueblo the weekend we will be in Colorado so my parents and I surprised him by buying an entry to the race. That will put him at 38.

We have had a lovely Christmas season. The Sunday before Christmas, our choir gave a wonderful performance. That evening, we had Brian's extended family over for a party and the went to the tabernacle to participate in a sing-in of all the beautiful songs of the season with Ian and Katie's piano teacher Lowell playing the organ.

Christmas morning, we had a one-hour program that included musical numbers, congregational hymns and Ian gave a delightful piano performance of Silent Night at the end.

We saw the lights at Christmas Village one night. My mom had all the grand kids over to watch a Muppet Christmas Carol and eat Mickey Mouse pancakes. We ate ham and watched movies at my parents' house Christmas afternoon. We got more than 12-inches of snow.

I have enjoyed seeing Ian perform with his Jazz Band this holiday season and Sophie did an amazing job in her role as one of the Hogwarts students in A Fairly Potter Christmas Carol at the Ziegfeld community theater.

I am hoping to take the kids ice skating at Station Park sometime this week. I was suppose to have bladder repair surgery. It was scheduled before we knew our insurance was ending. Then, I was happy that I could get the surgery done before my insurance ended. Then, at the last minute, I got scared to have surgery right before my insurance ended (what if there were complications?). Plus, extra hospital bills are harder to swallow when you are unemployed. The surgery will wait. After I got over the disappointment, it was a relief. Yay! No surgery to recover from this week. I guess there is always a silver lining.

Election 2016

I want my children and my children's children to know that I voted in the 2016 election and I did not vote for the "lesser of two evils" or "a candidate I hated, but the one I hated the least." I did not feel "dirty" or "like I was going to throw up" after I cast my ballot--all sentiments that many expressed about their voting experience in this election.

I voted for Hillary Clinton and I felt very good about it. She is one of the most qualified candidates ever in the history of our country to run for this office. Contrary to what her opponent wanted everyone to believe, she is not a liar. She is one of the most honest candidates (when her statements and the statements of other candidates are scrutinized and fact checked by the eggheads).

She is not a perfect person. None of us are. I'm pretty sure we know every flaw she has ever had after thirty years under the intense spotlight of public scrutiny. Sadly, most (if not all) of the negative things said against her during her campaign were blatantly false, clearly conspiracy theories, or, at the very least, blown way out of proportion. And, by the way, the whole email server thing that has been brought up ad nauseam, has been dismissed in a court of law. Also, less than 48-hours before the election, the FBI agent who had said an investigation was being re-opened admitted that "no reasonable person would consider criminal charges against Clinton for using a personal email server." Don't even talk to me about the other rumors (how she sold all of the U.S. uranium shares for favors from Russia, laughed about getting a child rapist off the hook, would have taken away everyone's guns by going door to door if elected or how she and Bill have had dozens of people killed for their own evil purposes). All credible sources put these hate-filled stories that keep circulating into perspective.

Since I first heard the name Hillary Clinton--back in the early 90s when she was first lady--until recently, I have had a bad taste in my mouth. That is because everyone around me couldn't stand her. It wasn't until she became the Democratic nominee that I had to take a hard look at asking myself what I didn't like about her? And, sadly, after long thoughtful study, the answer that came back had to do with the deep rooted undercurrent of sexism in our society. Once I began to really look at her as a person and a candidate for the presidency, I liked her. I'm not saying that 100% of my ideals for how our country should be run lined up with hers, but most definitely my ideals more closely align with hers than with the extreme right wing turn the Republican party has taken. So, I felt very good about voting Democrat and I felt even better about voting for Hillary.

Back when Donald Trump threw his hat into the ring--before he was even making strides toward becoming the nominee--I did my research on him and I was astonished. I'm not going engage in hate talk by listing details. I will say it was mind boggling. Besides what I initially learned about him, I was further surprised over and over by things he said that were disrespectful toward women and other people throughout his campaign. I have felt a lot of heaviness in my heart over the past year as America has continued to carry him on a tide of popularity that took him right to the position of Republican nominee. I felt disheartened to learn the true sentiments that exist in so many hearts all over America through the candidate selected by the majority.

I have been so naive.

Nearly every poll showed Clinton ahead, so it was with great shock and disbelief that I watched her defeat last night. I guess I could understand if it had been a different Republican candidate. Because I get that people feel very strongly about their Republican ideals and voting for those. But, I am seriously blown away that our country, when faced with these two options, overwhelmingly chose a person of this character--who has made no secret of it or made apologies for the person he is.

Last night, I felt that I wanted to run away from Utah. Because after all the talk talk talk about "I just can't vote for Donald Trump," that is exactly what Utah people did. They showed up in droves and voted for him. And, it made me so sick that for a moment I wished I could run away.

Even though we did not see history made from electing the first female American president last night (that is not the reason I voted for her, but that will be pretty cool for women when it finally happens), I feel so proud of the way she conducted herself. I admire the way she stayed calm under intense pressure, scrutiny and bullying day after day. She is a good example of strength to me.

This is the first presidential election that has caused me to shed actual tears. I was sad when Mitt Romney didn't win because I felt like America really missed out on a smart businessman with good moral character and decency who could have done a lot of good for our country. But, this time, rather than just feeling like we missed out on the better candidate, I feel utterly shocked at our choices as a nation. It is all very unexpected and a lot for me to take in.

Last night, when it was getting late and it seemed like "President Trump" was the way things were going to go, I sat down with my kids for a session of guided meditation. See--there is one positive thing already. Maybe we will begin a habit of meditating to be able to keep calm and carry on. That and maybe we will get much, much better at prayer. We had a meditation session together, took some deep breaths, hugged each other and went to bed. And, when we woke up, the sun rose, just like I promised them it would and we went about our day. I tried to explain to them that 1/2 of the country would have felt just as upset today as we feel if things had gone the other way.

The majority has spoken, and this is what the majority wants. So, I'm going to do exactly what I would have wanted the other half to do if the chips had landed on Madam President Clinton. I'm going to pray that President Trump will rise to the level of this most sacred office and that he will knock my socks off with his awesomeness and I will do my best to avoid being negative now that I've gotten this initial post about the way I wished things would have gone off my chest. Another positive about this outcome is that I don't have to listen to the never ending fountain of hatred spewed toward Hillary Clinton day after day. I guess we may have that fountain of hate spewed toward President Trump instead. But, I will not be a part of it. So--to all of my neighbors, family members and friends (and pretty much the vast majority of everyone I know in the state of Utah, apparently), please show me how President Trump is going to make things great for me. I'm ready and I'm hanging on for the ride.

The House Dilemma

I love my house. I really do. I loved my old house too. I always appreciated the stained glass windows and the original maple hardwood floors. I loved my spice cabinet and my neighbors and most of all, I enjoyed the front porch. But, that little house was very crowded by the time we welcomed our sixth family member and when that baby was two-and-a-half it was a relief to move on.

We needed something a little bigger. We had just under 2000 square feet (and half of that was in a basement with 6' ceilings). I figured somewhere around 2500-2700 square feet and taller basement ceilings would do the trick. I never imagined having a huge house, but we needed a little more space as the kids got older. Especially because I was in the business of daycare so there were usually 10+ people in our house all day.

The house we got is nearly two and a half times as big as the house we left. Yet it cost us less than a 2700 square foot house would have. It was an amazing find and we feel blessed beyond belief to have bought it. Even after five years of living here, I still look around and think, "I never would have imagined myself living in a house like this." There is so much space for our kids and all of their friends to spread out and play. The yard is a magical land for Katie, Isaac and all the boys on the block to play in. And the view. I can see the sun setting behind the mountains past the Great Salt Lake every evening through my windows. Before I lived here I never knew what a difference having an amazing view could make in your life.

I love this house. It has great bones. I like the neighborhood. It is quiet and safe. I love living steps away from the trails. It is a great place to raise our family and although every single thing is not perfect, I don't really have anyplace else in mind where I would rather be.

The dilemma begins with the fact that this house was such an amazing deal for a reason. It needs a lot of work. We have sunk thousands into it (thanks to the sale of a van that was paid for, tax return money and most of all the sale of our other house). We have spent a ton of money, yet it feels like a drop in the bucket compared to what still needs to be done! I feel that if someone gave me $50K tomorrow -- they won't, but even if that somehow happened -- it would be gone in an instant in home improvements and I still don't know if the most basic projects would be finished.

We have done so much work to our yard. We have installed the sprinkler system, sod, landscaping rocks and a new patio and put so many hours into working on it. Yet it's only about 70% done. And, some days the wild, weedy, terrible looking 30% is all I can see. It is overwhelming to think about what it will take to complete it.

Brian replaced all of the plumbing and he is in the process of re-wiring the whole house. That is three major home improvement projects -- yard, plumbing, wiring. The basement has also been a huge investment of time and money, yet the majority of the space down there has been sitting dormant as a messy construction zone for almost two years. We need to somehow conjure up a lump sum of $10K to get that going again. And that is just for materials with us doing all the labor.

The carpet was new when we moved in, but it turns out it was the cheapest carpet available, so it already needs to be replaced. The giant custom patio doors are broken ($4K to replace), the gorgeous windows that I love are all single pane (another $13K if we ever want to replace), the cedar roof must be oiled every few years ($1K each time) and if we ever need to replace it, we are probably looking at $30-$40K just to get less expensive asphalt shingles. I feel panicked every time Brian talks about re-doing the kitchen as if it is happening right away. Our kitchen is fine (although the floor needs to be replaced), but it's not a really awesome kitchen. It is begging to be remodeled. The formal dining room next to it and the den off of that are screaming to be combined into one awesome kitchen/dining area (with a fireplace that already exists in the den and would be so awesome as part of the dining area!). I can live with it the way it is, but I am not sure that Brian can.

I feel overwhelmed when I think about all the things that we want to do to this house. And, some of it could legitimately be called "needs" too. For example, we live in a nice neighborhood and having your yard only 70% complete after 5-years is definitely a social faux pas. And, why shouldn't we finish our flower beds and landscaping to contribute to the common good of neighborhood beautification?

Also, this house, for all its square footage, only has one fully functional bathroom. Yes, we have a master bathroom and it is great for having an extra toilet and a sink. But, Brian is the only one who uses the tiny shower in there and let's be honest, how much good is a bathroom that has no cabinets, no counter space and no outlets to someone besides my bald husband? (Yes you read correctly, the bathroom has no outlets. Our living room also has no lights. What were people thinking in 1949?). I guess you could argue that five people sharing one bathroom is a lot, especially in the next few years when we grow up a little more and we have five teenagers/adults sharing one bathroom to get ready every morning. Another bathroom is part of the basement remodel . . .

I think after fully remodeling a 100-year-old house for 12-years and diving right into remodeling a 65-year-old house has left me kind of worn out. Plus the cost of materials to remodel has gone up dramatically in the past 17-years. Add that to the fact that the cost to remodel a giant house is also dramatically more expensive than our little 2000 square foot house on a postage stamp size piece of land.

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful. I am so in love with this house and it has brought me a lot of joy to live here for five years. But, sometimes when I look at our actual bank account plus the cost of raising four kids plus the long road of home improvement that lies ahead, a part of me just wants to load everyone up and head on a family vacation (which we also can't afford because -- constant home remodel). Sometimes when I consider all those facts, I start to wonder if this was meant to be our forever house or just a really fun stop in the journey to our real forever house? I never imagined living in a house like this and part of the reason for that is that I never wanted to maintain a house this size.

Now comes the dilemma. The market for houses on the east bench has shot up a lot. It is very hot right now with houses selling in weeks or often only days for $100-$115 per square foot. If we wanted to, we could probably take out a loan to quickly finish the basement and cash out on this place. Even without remodeling the dated kitchen. We got such a great deal on it to begin with that we could use the equity to build a brand new 2700 or even 3000 square foot house with a very low mortgage. And the house would be done!!! No more saving up for giant remodel projects!!! You know, so we can focus on saving up for two more sets of braces and car insurance with teenage drivers -- haha! But, seriously, what a relief that would be to shed the weight of the never ending journey through major home improvement projects. What would we do with all our free time?

Some days, I am ready to put that for sale sign in the yard and never look back. But, I will also be sad to lose this view. I am enjoying it right now as I type. And sad/happy to lose this yard. Mostly I will be sad that my kids won't get to grow up in this amazing space. So maybe it would be better to execute this plan in 10-years? Back and forth I go. Moving seems like the responsible choice. But, I will sure miss this house if we do. Is randomly winning huge sums of money an option?

St. Louis 2016

Last week I traveled to St. Louis for my job. The nice thing about my job is that I don't have to go to every meeting, which would mean traveling 10+ times/year. Patti goes to all of the meetings so I don't have to. The other nice thing about my job is that I sometimes get to go to the meetings, which is mostly nice and a little bit not.

It's always fun to go somewhere new. I am using the term "fun" loosely here since these trips are packed with work related activities so it's not like I go sightseeing. But, sometimes we stay in really nice hotels (once it was the four seasons, this time a Hilton), we always eat delicious food, I get a break from cooking and housecleaning and I get lots of uninterrupted time to work (work=get paid!). It's nice to go to some meetings so I can see my boss who lives in Chicago in person once in awhile and meet the members of our organization so they are more than just names on lists that I am endlessly working through. It's kind of nice to have an excuse to dress professionally for three days in a row. If it wasn't for these meetings every 6 or so months, I would probably forget to buy myself something new (this time it was just new lipstick, but still, it's nice to indulge every now and then).

It's not nice because of how hard it is to organize everyone's schedules while I am gone. That part actually wasn't bad this time. I sent Katie to stay at my mom's the whole time and the other three kids are getting old enough to take care of themselves. Plus, Brian didn't have a crazy schedule while I was gone.

Going to these meetings is anxiety producing. I always vow to lose 10-pounds before the meeting (which almost always results in me gaining 5). It is way outside of my comfort zone to be in a room full of powerful CEOs and other higher ups of healthcare systems, pretending to fit in. I am way more comfortable in a house full of crazy kids. Since Patti and I are there as the meeting planners, everything falls to us if something goes wrong. It could be a problem with the A/V equipment, the temperature in the room, a coffee dispenser malfunction, any one of 100 little things really. Plus, my boss is really a stickler for professionalism and he likes attention to the tiniest details. For example, if there are twelve people in the meeting and someone has to duck out early, I need to make sure to remove the extra chair from the room pronto.

In addition to wearing spanx, nylons, high heels, jewelry and lipstick to look like a professional, and tending to every minor detail to keep things running smoothly, I also need to be super friendly and extroverted. I need to remember everyone's names and be really good at making polite small talk with them. It turns out I am actually really good at having conversations with a room full of strangers. Who knew that was a skill that could come in handy? But, there is always an underlying anxiety about opening my mouth and saying something stupid because that is very easy to do.

Last Tuesday, I arrived at our hotel in St. Louis just as my boss (Roger), my colleague (Patti) and the new tech guy (Andrew) were walking to a nearby Italian place for dinner (my flight arrived later than everyone else). I spent a few minutes freshening up and then hustled over to meet them. I sat through dinner acting all casual even though meeting with Roger face-to-face still makes me nervous even after working together (almost exclusively from afar) for a year and a half. I felt like dinner went well and by 9pm I was in my hotel room making all of my last minute preparations for the next day when I had an overwhelming feeling of "What am I doing here?"

Then I remembered a quote or a meme or something I had read recently that said something to the effect that we should do something that scares us every day (or week, or month? It probably said every day, but that would be too much in my opinion). I calmed down and thought, "It's O.K. to feel scared to do this. It means I am going to learn something new."

The meeting went well the next day. There were 23 attendees plus the 4 of us. Thanks to Patti's awesome meeting planning skills (she has been doing this a long time) and Roger's outstanding leadership skills (he has also been doing this a long time) things went off without a hitch. One of the really clever parts about these meetings is that we meet all day the first day and then we go to dinner that night. After everyone has been having serious discussions all day, the dinner is a time for the attendees to relax and get to know each other on a more personal level. I told Roger I thought it was an ingenious model and he revealed that in the early days, he tried to stick to a strict agenda even during dinner thinking it would maximize everyone's time. But, then he realized the magic of the unstructured dinner.

We had quite the diverse group of people sitting at my table. One guy worked for United for so many years that he has lifetime flying privileges. He lives in an upscale neighborhood outside of Chicago and flies to Seattle every Monday morning to work at a healthcare system and flies back home every Friday. By the way, this new group deals in cybersecurity -- it's kind of a new issue for healthcare systems in the past 5 years or so. So, almost everyone has a different background from before they came into Catholic healthcare.

The guy to my left retired from the military after spending 11 out of his 20 years with them deployed at sea. He and the airline guy have visited more than 50 countries each! I found that very interesting. Retired military guy lives on Whidbey Island -- an enchanted place that Patti and I visited together several years ago. He only has to go into his office two days a week, but it is a two hour drive each way!

Anyways, the evening was filled with interesting conversations about these things, and a lot of tech speak in between that honestly didn't make any sense to me so I just smiled and nodded at those parts.

By the time dinner was over, Tuesday and Wednesday had gone well. Thursday was a breeze. The second day of the meeting usually is. The meeting ends at noon so the time passes quickly. We all had late flights out, so Patti, Roger, Andrew and I decided to grab lunch at P.F. Chang's before heading to the airport. I really do feel blessed to have this job even if it scares me sometimes.

Probably the most awkward moment of the trip was when I changed out of my spanx and nylons and high heels in the airport bathroom with the auto toilet flushing 100x so I could wear something more comfortable on the long flight home.

I forgot to mention that when I got to the SLC airport at the start of the trip, I stopped in the restroom (I had taken the frontrunner to the airport which was awesome!) and there was a young girl who looked about 20 who was on her phone, pressing her face against the wall sobbing. I asked her if I could help her, because my own teenagers aren't so far from 20 and I would hate to think of them sobbing in an airport bathroom alone. She assured me she was fine. And, sure enough, a few minutes later I saw her going through security looking radiant like she had never been crying at all. It reminded me that we are all fighting a battle even if things look fine on the outside and it is important to be kind to each other (isn't that a meme also?).

My mom gave me a book to read on the trip called 600 Hours of Edward about a man in his late 30s who has mild autism and OCD. It is written from his perspective which was entertaining and enlightening. It is so interesting to think of the world from someone else's perspective like that. Sometimes, when Edward was so baffled by a human interaction (because he took everything literally) or so thrown off when every routine in his life didn't go as planned, I got a little lump in my throat thinking of my own guy who reacts to the world that way.

The travel time (with transfers -- it's hard to find non-stop flights between SLC and St. Louis) was so long that I finished the book and I had to read some humorous writings by Tina Fey on the way home.

I got home late on Thursday and woke up Friday to take Katie on a field trip to one of those farms that transforms into a place for family fun at this time of year with giant slides and corn mazes. We took a hayride out to a field where we selected the most perfect pumpkins and accidentally disturbed a nest of baby mice (Katie's favorite part!). We had a great time and picked up Sophie from school (she gets out early on Fridays) then we all went to lunch at a little Mexican place called "Rosas."

Brian left Friday night to take the boys (with a brother-in-law and boy cousins) mountain biking in Moab for the weekend. Katie and I ran errands Saturday morning while Sophie rehearsed for A Fairly Potter Christmas Carol. That night, I took both girls to see Sophie's friend perform at DaVinci in Sleepy Hollow. The performance was well done and spooky and even Katie really liked it. All of us (two of Sophie's friends too) went out to ice-cream afterward and I felt like a real mom of teenagers. It is a fun mom stage to be in and I am sure it passes quickly just like the rest.

Now, it is a new week and I feel like I am still catching up from being absent from my life last week. I haven't worked out in six weeks because things became crazy busy the moment school was back in session and I haven't made the time or established a new routine or something. When I see people post hiking photos on social media I feel so jealous and it is silly because I have two great trailheads just a stone's throw in either direction from my front door. So, yesterday at 6pm when I felt like lying down and watching Netflix to calm down for a few minutes, I took Katie's hand instead and we had a delightful walk in the mountains. It started with me huffing and puffing feeling barely able to walk up 27th Street to the trailhead and ended with me feeling awesome and even doing some light voluntary jogging (downhill mind you). It is a wonderful time of year and I hope we do it again before the cold weather comes.

Anxiety's Name is Bob

When Katie was three, I signed her up for preschool taught by a magical lady, Miss Jill, who goes to the same church as we do. Katie L-O-V-E-D Miss Jill and they always worked on the cutest songs and art projects in class. Every preschool day was a good day.

Until two months before the second year of preschool ended (also two months before Katie turned five). One day I drove her to school and when we got there she wouldn't get out of the car saying she just didn't feel like going. It was odd, but I figured if my daughter wanted an extra day with me it was perfectly reasonable.

After that day, she never wanted to go to preschool. In fact, first thing every morning she would ask if it was a school day and if I said "yes" she instantly became uneasy. Then she started asking at bedtime if tomorrow was a school day and if I said "yes" the apprehension began.

I didn't know we were starting down a confusing path of anxiety. I didn't know that the adorable stutter she developed was one of the signs. Or, the way she so sweetly crawled in bed with me in the middle of the night. Or, the loud teeth grinding sessions that I heard as she slumbered next to me. I didn't know that this beautiful sweet daughter of mine who had been the most independent of all four of my kids from the time she turned one until almost her fifth birthday was now facing a struggle that would become clinical and cast a shadow over her innocent childhood.

The struggle to go to school followed her to Kindergarten and spilled over to her ability to attend her primary class on Sundays. After awhile she no longer wanted to go play at friends' houses or go to the dance class she had loved. When first grade started, Brian and I both felt our hearts breaking as we left her wailing and trembling day after day with her soft-spoken teacher who lovingly gave her a stuffed animal to cuddle each morning in an attempt to help her calm down.

One night, I was leaving to take Sophie to Salt Lake and Katie didn't want me to go. After I left her with Brian, she started throwing up every half hour, more than twenty times, all through the night until I called the doctor the next morning and he prescribed something to help her stop.

One morning, she woke up shaking because she was so nervous to go to school. After an hour of terror and tears I took her to class but when we got there her face had started to break out in hives so I took her back home. By the next morning, her entire face was so swollen, blotchy, red and disfigured that the doctor prescribed steroids.

That is when I started to think seriously about anxiety.

I read all I could and talked to her about the part of her brain that helps her sense danger -- we named it Bob -- and how Bob was sensing danger when there wasn't any real danger and making her feel scared when she didn't need to be scared. She was stoic and valiantly tried to overcome her fear, but in January of her first grade year we started seeing a professional therapist.

The therapist talked to her more about Bob and gave her some mental tools to help her calm down when she is anxious. We have come a long way when it comes to heading off the panic attacks before they start. But, now we have to figure out how to deal with the counterpart that sometimes slips into anxiety's place -- depression. When she is working so hard to stave off the fright, she fades into sadness and despondence like a delicate flower.

This morning, the anxiety reared its head when I woke her up to get ready for her 1/2-day of fun classes. On Tuesdays she gets to do an hour of dance and hour of art and an hour of animal encounters where the teacher brings interesting animals like lizards and tarantulas and they study and talk about them. She loves these classes. And today was extra special because we bought dance shoes. But, none of that matters when Bob shows up. In her effort to stay calm, she became so sad, detached and distant. On the plus side, she didn't freak out and cry or break out in hives. But, she just sat there with no light in her saying, "I just don't feel like dancing today."

This child who skips and turns cartwheels everywhere we go! This girl with so much zest and curiosity for life. This little one who loves every one of her stuffed animals and lays out tea parties for her friends. How can such grown up things as anxiety and depression be part of her world?

This morning we rubbed her favorite essential oils on her feet and did grounding exercises and prayed together. I will keep hoping that someday these challenges can be turned into strengths.

UPDATED: When I picked her up from school she was bubbling over with excitement about the new dance she learned, the picture she created from paint and oil pastels and the giant snake she held (that covered four kids!). Sometimes when I am reassuring her that everything will be O.K., I need to stop and remind myself too that everything will indeed be O.K.

Beautiful Storm

When August started, I began to feel sad. Really sad. With each passing day of August, I felt more sad.

I would miss our carefree days of summer without the stress of getting everyone to bed on time and waking up early every day and have our lives ruled by a relentless schedule. I would miss weekdays when going to yoga and taking the kids for a leisurely swim at the outdoor pool were a reality.

The start of a new school year also meant my kids were older -- advanced to the next grade. Only three more school years before I have a graduating senior . . . It was weighing on me.

One thing I looked forward to was an end to the string of sweltering days where the high temperatures remained in the near 100-degree range for at least two weeks. I want to say four weeks, but it was probably more like three. It felt like a long time. I must really be an old lady because hot weather has really started to get to me.

After about one week of sad, I gave it up because it was pointless. Summer would end. Being sad wouldn't change it. Even though I didn't want to bid summer break farewell and send the kids back to school I was excited for a few things and one of those things was the change of weather to fall. So, I started reveling in the little things.

Late in August the rain came to cool the heatwave down. Isaac and Katie and all the little boys that live on our street ran outside to play in the river that formed in the gutter. Brian got pictures of them using their bodies to make a human dam when he came home from work. Summer storms are warm and beautiful. The sky, like the leaves, has such spectacular hues in fall. So many nights we have stayed up late watching lightning flash across the sky.

Yesterday, the mother of rainstorms came. All afternoon the sky was hauntingly beautiful, bursting with low hanging gray clouds. At 4pm crazy strong wind gusts stirred around us, followed instantly by a fantastic downpour of rain that soon turned to enormous hailstones the size of marbles. It all came so quickly and the weatherman said we got 1-2 inches of rain in moments.

When it was over, I found out that three tornadoes swept the state, two of them just a few miles from me. Granted -- in the world of tornadoes, they were tiny, but they still lifted roofs off of houses and flattened backyard sheds and made a mess with big trees. Brian was in Riverdale when the storm hit and he photographed people running to their cars in a parking lot that had instantly filled knee deep with water.

The violent part of the storm passed and then it rained all night and all day today. I drove to Salt Lake and back in the grey non-stop rain to take Katie on a field trip to the Gateway Children's Museum. I had the most wonderful time getting to spend the day with my youngest child watching her use her imagination.

It has finally stopped raining but the sky is still grey. I found out all of the soccer games are cancelled tomorrow. So, there is that. It's funny -- I sign the boys up for soccer because I want them to get to play. But, it somehow feels like a gift when the games are (once in a great while) rained out because -- yay, a free Saturday!

Bear Lake, summer storms and field trips. Back to school hasn't been bad!

The Office

We moved everything out of our cute office on Historic 25th Street in Downtown Ogden right over the Pig in a Jelly Jar restaurant and the historic neon dragon sign.

An awesome thing happened to me 1.5 years ago. A friend called me up and offered me a consulting gig. I could work from my home. The pay was really good and it would only take five hours per week. It grew to 15-20 hours per week and the nice thing about that was that I was able to replace all of my writing income and all of my in-home daycare income and focus my attention on this one opportunity.

I really loved the prospect of working from my home. Even though my life can be chaotic and noisy, I have adjusted over the years and I can manage my way through a lot of distractions and interruptions (most days). It has become one of my finest skills. I have had to write a lot of stories on deadline while keeping a houseful of little kids and babies safe, fed and happy. Not even just my own little ones. It is a juggling act that I have gotten pretty good at.

My kids are growing up and I only watch other kids after school and for a few hours during the day on Mondays. So, compared to the last fourteen years, my life is pretty mellow even if I am homeschooling my seven-year-old, welcoming a gaggle of kids into our home in the afternoons and endlessly shuttling kids to lessons, activities and orthodontist appointments. There are many more quiet moments in my day to get my office work done than ever before.

But, my friend and colleague felt that we urgently needed an office to inspire our creativity, promote productivity and give us the perfect space to collaborate and synergize and make the world an overall better place. Very soon after I accepted this work from home gig, she found a place for us.

I admit that if I had to go to an office, this was the perfect one. It was newly remodeled, trendy, on the second floor of a building that is about 100 years old with walls of crumbling exposed brick and beautiful hardwood floors. The ceilings were high and my window had a great view. Historic 25th Street is a darling place that is often used as the backdrop for films. It is close to my home--literally a lovely 5 minute drive. There are fantastic restaurants (like the tasty and healthy Good Life Cafe). I enjoyed the space and I definitely appreciated the time with my colleague who is one of my favorite people in the world.

But, going to the office was almost always stressful. I love to work from home where I can take a break to throw in a load of laundry, wash some dishes, get a head start on dinner or be available to my children when they are home if they need me. I love to wash my hair, get an hour of work done while it air dries, and take a break from sitting at my desk to finish getting ready for the day without having to rush through my morning.

I didn't love packing up my computer, my planner, my water bottle, power cord and all the things I might need for the day to haul it to the office and haul it all back home at the end of the day.

Sometimes the parking situation wasn't great and that could be a headache.

Overall, it made me feel more stressed than it made me feel inspired. So, when my colleague told me in July that we were breaking our lease, that was good news to me. At first she wanted to find another space for us, but I convinced her that the space we really needed could be found in our own homes. Home sweet home! I love being blessed to work from my home. Especially now that I have a new freedom to come and go as I please.

Babysitting will always have a special place in my heart and I am grateful for the experiences I had and the children I will always love dearly because I saw them grow up. But, there is no break in the day when you watch other peoples' children. There is no babysitter for the babysitter. And, that can be hard because sometimes you need to run to the grocery store or the dentist or a host of other places, which can be tricky to do with your entourage of little people always at your side. Even trickier than finishing a story for a newspaper while keeping the whole circus in check.

Tonight Brian and I went to the office and moved all the furniture out. It is a little sad. The end of an era. More than anything else, I loved to tell people that I had an office on 25th Street over the Pig in a Jelly Jar restaurant and the historic neon dragon sign. A home office doesn't sound nearly as cool. But, it is.

Summer Season Winding Down 2016

I have been wanting to blog for quite some time and now I have a lot of things to say. Sophie started school the Wednesday following Isaac's Monday night birthday extravaganza. A few days later, she and my mom took off on an airplane to Disneyland. While she was gone, the other three started school and life has been one wild and crazy ride ever since.

I am so proud of Sophie for working this summer. I think for the most part, she enjoyed it. It's rough to keep working the weekends now that school has started. Because that is true and so many kids quit at the end of the summer, Lagoon offers a nice bonus to those who finish out the season, so she is doing her best to hang in there until the end of October.

Sophie has not been a natural saver. She loves to spend money the minute it hits her hand. At the beginning of the summer, I encouraged her to save her paychecks for something big. So, she did. She saved every penny until it added up to $900 and then she invited my mom to go with her to Disneyland. Of course my mom was delighted. They are both Disney diehards through and through. They wanted to go before the Diamond celebration was over (it ended on Labor Day). Sophie went to the first three days of school (August 17-19) and then they went to 4-consecutive-days at the park. Sophie insisted that they arrive at opening (8 or 9 a.m.) every day and stay until the park closed (except on the 4th day when they left to catch an evening flight) and my mom DID IT! It's a good thing it was her . . . I don't think I could have had that much stamina. They had a wonderful time and I'm so happy for them.

At the beginning of summer break, my kids made a list of all the things they wanted to do and we DID THEM ALL. We checked many of them off the list several times. Except for two things that remained: Curiosity Museum and Bear Lake. On the Sunday of Labor Day weekend, we got a text from our friends inviting them to join them at a Bear Lake cabin that day. We had to be super spontaneous because 1) we got the text at 10 a.m. 2) we had church at 12:30 p.m. and every person in the family needed to take a shower 3) plus, I couldn't talk to Brian about any planning because 10 a.m. is also when he started preparing his lesson for the day and, 4) we had to make do with whatever groceries and clean clothes we already had in the house since there was no time to shop or do laundry.

We arrived home from church at 3:30 and Brian had to go straight to a Raptor's game to take photos while I started packing suitcases and stuffing sleeping bags and camp chairs into the van like a mad lady. Somehow, we made it up to the cabin, also known as paradise, that evening with only one glitch -- that we left Ian's suitcase at home. Funny! It wasn't a big deal since we were just staying over one night.

Monday was absolute perfection. The high was only 63-degrees, but it felt surprisingly warm. The lake was gorgeous. We canoed and paddle boarded and Katie and Isaac built a sand city for hours. When our friends said that they had the cabin for the whole week, but didn't intend to use it because of school and work, I couldn't stop myself from staying one extra night with Katie and Isaac while everyone else packed up and went home Monday night.

It was so amazingly peaceful being up there just the three of us. We laid out under the millions of stars together. It was about the most perfect moment in my entire life. I was soaking in every second. Tuesday we laid on a blanket in the grass of the huge yard and played in the water and the sand and swung on the rope swing that hangs from a tree. I was so nostalgic. It was like my whole beautiful life was flashing before my eyes. I drove home Tuesday night with a fierce determination that we needed a little more Bear Lake. We did not leave without a stop at the Chocolate Bear candy shop for chocolate dipped raspberries and a stop at La Beau's for shakes, rootbeer floats and hamburgers.

Our friends were not able to get back up to the cabin until late Saturday night and graciously said we could keep using it while it was unoccupied. On Thursday after school I gathered Ian, Isaac and Katie and we made the gorgeous drive back up Logan Canyon to the lake. This time I was much better prepared with all the clothes and food we would need. But, it was also fun to be spontaneous. Sophie couldn't miss any more school and Brian had work commitments until 9 p.m. on Friday, so they joined us late Friday night.

We had another magical time. Friday was clear and windy. I think the wind stirring up the water made it so you could see it's mystical aquamarine color even better than usual from the shore. It always looks that way when you can get out on the water in a boat. We enjoyed the beautiful view and spent time outdoors, but we also gave ourselves permission to watch four movies. FOUR movies in one day. We were in peak relaxation mode.

When I was preparing to return to the lake, I wanted Ian to skip school Friday and come with us, but I was also worried that he would get bored, because he is a very active teenager and I wasn't sure there would be enough things to entertain him at this point in his life (unlike Katie and Isaac who spend the entire day building sand city and it makes them the happiest kids on the planet). He assured me that he would not be bored and he said, "I like going to Bear Lake because it is the only place I can go to just completely chill." That is exactly the way I feel. At home, I can try to relax and meditate or watch a movie or whatever, but my mind is constantly going. At Bear Lake, there is not one care in the world or one worry in my mind at all. I can sit and stare at the lake or the sky full of stars endlessly and I am content.

Katie and Isaac caught a snake that they played with all day. We also watched a frog swim through the water and, of course, we stayed up late to stare at the stars.

The whole family was there Saturday. The weather was good. I actually got in the lake and went for a swim with all of the kids. The water was freezing! But, it wasn't so bad because I went numb after about 5 seconds. So, we played around in the water for a half hour or so thinking it wasn't that bad. Then, all of the sudden we realized we were super cold and we ran back to the cabin on our numb feet for a warm shower.

Poor Brian was probably working on photos on his computer all day and poor Sophie has had so much homework ever since school started (she spent the better part of the Monday and Saturday that she had at the lake finishing projects for school). But, the rest of us had some pure relaxation. And, even Brian got to take in the BYU vs. U of U game on the big screen Saturday night before he and Sophie headed home. The other kids and I enjoyed one last night, more raspberry shakes, burgers and s'mores over a fire that Ian started in about 2-minutes (amazing!) before driving home Sunday.

Oh--Bear Lake how I LOVE YOU!!! I am so spoiled by this cabin we have been going to for 13-years that I can't imagine how I will ever find another place that compares. We have been so blessed that our friends have given us this gift of inviting us year after year.

Now Bear Lake is checked off the list and I told the kids not to worry. We will make it to the Curiosity Museum before the weather gets too cold to enjoy the outdoor exhibits.

I love that all four of my kids, even my teenagers still want to spend time with me and do dorky things with me like going to kid museums. I LOVE it!

Going to the lake was a wonderful way to begin to wind down the summer. We came back to a busy week and I thought it was busy because I had the carpets cleaned and we were trying to get back on top of things after taking time off. But, now this week is just as busy because it's already parent teacher conference time and Brian and I are neck deep in making the final preparations for the 3rd annual Ram Run 5K to raise money for Ian's junior high. This is our busy life for now so I'm embracing it.

More highlights.

I am absolutely in love with homeschooling Katie and she is having a great time going to school one day a week for core classes and 1/2 day a week for dance, art and animal encounters (where they get to learn about creepy crawly things close up -- today she told me she held a giant lizard!).

Today for math we worked on Roman numerals, which was perfect because we just read about the ancient Roman empire and how some parts of their culture still exist today. She was translating Roman numerals into regular numbers and I remembered learning how to do that myself and how I thought it was so cool -- like a code -- when I was her age. Math is her favorite subject. Except we both really love the history lessons too. I read to her while she colors pictures that have to do with what I am reading to her. It is a win for both of us.

Like every second grader she is eager to learn cursive and always trying to write everything in cursive. I know that in regular school they really discourage the kids from using cursive until 3rd grade. I'm going to ask our education specialist about it at our monthly meeting tomorrow because I think she would be crazy about doing a cursive handwriting unit.

Isaac had a difficult adjustment this year. He and his best friend have been in the same class every year except this one. I am really happy with his teacher. But, he is disappointed to be in a different class from his friend. Disappointed is an understatement. To say that he staged a sit-in and demanded that I sue the school for not putting them in the same class is more accurate. But, we've worked through it and so far (for the most part) so good!

Ian joined the cross country team and has been running every day after school. Today, he competed in his 3rd meet. I am so proud of him for jumping in and doing that! He is enjoying being in two band classes. He plays bass guitar in one and drums in the other. He just got assigned a solo on the drum set and he is stoked. He and Isaac also started fall soccer.

Ian and Katie are taking piano. Isaac tried piano over the summer, but it was not his thing. Sophie started piano over the summer too. I am so proud of her for embracing it! She took piano in Kindergarten, first grade and part of second grade but then soundly rejected it and she has maintained for all these years that she would never return to playing piano or any musical instrument. But, she is doing really well in voice lessons and finally concluded that piano lessons would help her take singing to the next level. She has been doing awesome! But, now she has to quit . . . because . . .

Big surprise! She is going to be in a Christmas production at a local community theater. Two years ago, we went to the theater to see an original production of "Fairly Potter" a musical parody of "Harry Potter" that included new lyrics to more than a dozen favorite broadway tunes. We loved it!

One year ago, the same theater produced "A Fairly Potter Christmas Carol," a clever musical combining the classic Christmas tale with Harry Potter characters and heart warming music. Sophie tried out for the play but didn't make it in. She ushered for a half dozen performances so she could watch it over and over for free.

Ever since we saw the first production two years ago, she has been dreaming about being in a "Fairly Potter" production. So we were both ecstatic to get the news on Saturday that she is in the ensemble. Hooray!!! I am so happy for her. This theater really draws talented casts so I am very humbled that she would get this opportunity at 15-years-old.

This daughter of mine has had quite the transition this year, being in 10th grade. The homework load is unbelievable! She has one AP class (AP European History) and I was trying to warn her that it would include a lot of homework. What I wasn't expecting is that all of her other classes would include a fair amount of homework too. It has really added up! She comes home from school and starts on her homework and doesn't finish (granted she takes some breaks but still--) until 10 p.m. or sometimes later. Then, she is back up at 5:30 a.m. for early morning seminary. Oh my. This is my first experience as a mom seeing this happen first hand even though I've heard other parents talk about it. I hope it starts to even out soon. It has to because now she will have a demanding rehearsal and performance schedule. Piano lessons are the casualty. We will see if they come back around.

Katie has been taking gymnastics and I think she is doing well for a seven-year-old. She does beautiful cartwheels, one handed cartwheels, round-offs and she can stand on her head forever. She is strong and has great balance, but she told me today that she wants to stop taking them for now. I think she would continue to improve so it's kind of hard to take her out, but it is also FINE WITH ME to have one less thing to drive to and pay for every week. Whew! I cannot believe the way it adds up with four kids. Just getting them to and from their four different schools every day is quite enough to wear me out and it is only the beginning.

Last Saturday, Sophie worked at Lagoon and she wanted me to give her a ride home so she could come home (faster than waiting for the shuttle and riding front runner home) and get ready for Homecoming. Once again, she is on the committee to plan and host the dances so she gets to enjoy them even though she isn't technically old enough to date. Katie and I arrived a few hours before her shift ended. She is now brave enough to ride the wooden roller coaster and the wild mouse and she loves them! It is so fun because she giggles the whole time. When we got home, Sophie showered and got ready for the dance, then my dad came over to stay with Katie and Isaac and I took Sophie and Ian to a PG-13 movie they have been wanting to see -- Suicide Squad. It was pretty good and fun to spend an evening out with my teenagers.

Katie's school has fun field trip opportunities on Fridays and our first one this year was a trip to the Natural History Museum by the U of U. How have I never been to this museum before? It is amazing. Even the architecture of the building is impressive. It is almost so amazing that I felt too overwhelmed. But, I am excited to go back and experience even more of what it has to offer, with my other kids too. I guess we will add that to the list along with the Curiosity Museum. I sure do love our adventures.

Isaac Turned 11 in a Big Way

Isaac turned 11 and since his actual birthday was on Sunday, my mom decided to make a special dinner for him. Usually when she makes a birthday dinner for someone, she takes requests or surprises them with their favorite foods.

Isaac is so picky that about the only foods he will eat are: chips with cheese, macaroni and cheese and cheese quesadillas (Brian and I are endlessly trying to explain to him why these are all basically the same food). Once in awhile he will accept a taco, hot dog, cheeseburger or green smoothie. I know the last one seems out of place on this list, but it's true.

My mom is so fabulous that she hatched a plan to serve Isaac chips and cheese for his birthday dinner. She just included a bunch of other amazing toppings (like sweet pork and homemade guacamole) for the rest of us. At last, Isaac could be served a big plate of his favorite food at Sunday dinner instead of having to sit at the table staring at a plate of food he hates for 1/2 hour before someone gives in and makes him a plate of chips and cheese like usual.

He is really into Legos and wanted one of those giant $100 Lego sets. I say giant, but in reality, all Lego sets are tiny when you take out the bricks and build what is pictured. He has one million Legos already and he has to keep them spread over his entire bedroom floor. Every once in awhile, I ruin his life by cleaning them up so I can vacuum. It ruins his life because he has to be able to see all of them all the time, so he quickly scatters them all over the floor again. It takes me over an hour to clean them up (it would take him months because when he cleans them up he has to build a tiny Lego digger that scoops them up one at a time and drives them to the "dump") so--it was a little hard to buy him more Legos. My parents and Brian and I went in together on the big police station set for him because we knew it would make him so happy and there are only so many years of life when you can make your kids that happy by buying them a toy. The Lego madness continues!

On Sunday, he got the giant Lego set and chips and cheese for dinner and cheesecake with candles for dessert. Also, Sunday morning he woke up to a giant stuffed Mario. You know the really giant ones that you can win at amusement parks? Sophie went to an after hours games party at Lagoon where she works and won one and she is so sweet she wanted to give it to Isaac. Lately, he has been asking me to buy him a stuffed Mario and Luigi. It was a very good surprise when he woke up on his birthday to find giant Mario sitting at the table waiting for him. Now whenever someone rings the doorbell, Isaac grabs Mario and hides behind the door while Mario "opens it" and greets whoever is there.

We decided to throw a giant shindig for Isaac's birthday party. In my mind, there were twelve party guests. We made a list of about 9-10 boys from school who he wanted to invite. Somehow the list grew from there and without even realizing it, we must have invited 35 people and they ALL showed up!

I think I meant to put on the invite that the party was from 7:30pm-10pm, but instead I put 7pm-10:30pm -- A 3 1/2 hour party!? With 35 wild and crazy 10-year-old guests?

We survived. It was memorable. Isaac got lots more Legos.

Brian made some awesome Lego City invitations. We rented a colorful bounce house and inflatable slide. I bought everything lego that I could find from Oriental Trading including awesome lego wallets and lego bracelets for the party favor bags. There were 24-bags which I thought would be way too many. The favors came in twelves and I considered buying one set (because in my mind there were 12 people at the party). I decided to buy two sets in the end because what if there were 13? Hahahahaha.

I also had 24 plates and cups and only 24 cupcakes since I accidentally dumped a pan of 12 of the 36 I was baking and when it happened I thought, "Oh well, 24 will be plenty." After everyone arrived, it was clear I was going to be short. Brian said, "Do you want me to run to the store?" I said, "Please don't leave me." Because having that many crazy kids running through your yard going from trampoline to bounce house to night games that encompass the backyard and the front yard and sometimes the street after dark is a very overwhelming responsibility. Luckily, my mom was able to go to the store for more food, cupcakes and supplies -- most importantly cups -- and bring them to us. You do not want to run short on cups with a big crowd of thirsty kids on a hot August night.

In the end the party was saved and even though it felt like a long 3.5 hours at the time (it was a long 3.5 hours because the bounce house was at my house all day and there were lots of kids playing on it in a loud and rambunctious way long before the very long party ever began) -- despite it being a pretty big undertaking -- I couldn't stop thinking how nice it was that 35 people showed up to Isaac's party. Having friends is pretty much the best.

I am Fiercely Protective of my Kids

The boys came back from scout camp on cloud nine. Isaac proclaimed that it was the best week of his life. He wished he could spend the whole summer there. No, he wished he could spend the whole school year there (because the school year is longer than the summer, he explained).

The next day at church, so many parents told me how grateful they were for Ian setting the tone. The scout leader said it was the best group of boys he has worked with out of all his years of going to scout camp. I am proud of Ian and his big heart for his part in making scout camp a wonderful place for all the boys. He was the oldest in attendance, and therefore, the patrol leader.

One of the boys in the group is a little more on the autism spectrum than Isaac and I am sure his off-beat behavior could have made him the target of ridicule or led to him being excluded. His parents were especially complimentary of Ian's good example.

Earlier this week, I sent Sophie off to girls' camp with the ward. I am proud of her for working this summer. It is a lot of responsibility to take on at fifteen and she has handled it beautifully. She only gets a limited number of days that she can request off. Brian and I encouraged her to request off the days for youth conference and girls' camp, which she did.

She got the pre-camp jitters that I'm sure most teenagers get. She wondered if she would feel a part of the group. She doesn't have any good friends in the ward. I assured her that she would find her niche and make happy memories.

I was wrong.

She called me on the second day in tears asking me to come pick her up. I asked her what was wrong, expecting to hear any number of complaints that I would have encouraged her to work through. Like, maybe it was too hot or the ground was difficult to sleep on or the bathrooms were stinky. She briefly explained that when they arrived on day one, the girls were divided into two tents -- one for beehives and one for miamaids and laurels. As a second year miamaid, she was of course assigned to the older tent and set her things up as instructed. When she came to bed that night, she and one other girl discovered that their things had been moved to the beehive tent so that two younger girls could take their places.

I was livid. I cut her off after two sentences and said, "I will be right there."

It made me sad when I found out her things were dragged carelessly through the dirt and some of her things were missing (i.e. sleeping bag stuff bag) and she spent over an hour searching for them, feeling frustrated the whole time, before giving up. I was surprised to learn that the following day (when she was looking for her things) she told the leaders what had happened (she was too stunned and too hurt to say anything the night before) and apparently no one felt that the situation warranted a chat about -- I don't know -- maybe something like the things we learn every week in church such as love, kindness and charity. And, how moving someone out of the tent without even discussing it does not emulate those things and that these lessons are more than just words we say on Sunday. But, something we practice in real life everywhere we go and no place more so than at a camp with our ward sisters.

I put myself in her shoes. I thought about the girls' getaway I went to three years ago with adult members of this ward. We stayed at a beautiful house in the Ogden Valley with an indoor swimming pool. There were five private bedrooms where all the new moms stayed with their babies. Then there was one giant room with about 10 bunkbeds where the rest of us slept. When I arrived, I chose a bunk and placed my things on the bed. I tried to imagine how I would have felt if I had come downstairs to go to bed and discovered that my things had been moved so the other ladies could "be by their friends." I would have been humiliated and devastated to not be considered cool enough to be part of their friend group. I am a 40-year-old woman and I would have felt, to say the least, left out. I can only imagine how such treatment feels to an insecure teenager who is trying her best to fit in.

We gathered her things and I brought her home and none of the leaders have seemed too concerned about that. I might think that they would recognize that the situation was so hurtful that she didn't want to remain at girls' camp even if they don't deduce that her father and I felt like it was a hostile environment where she couldn't be left. It's not like we are the kind of parents who pick our kids up from a week-long camp because they stubbed their toe.

In fact, Brian is a 100% stickler about all of the kids going to all of their meetings, activities, firesides etc. no matter what. But, after this, he told Sophie she never has to go to girls' camp again if she doesn't want to. I have only seen him this mad a handful of times in our lives together.

I'm not trying to fault the leaders. I am grateful that they would give up their week to be away from their jobs, homes and families to take the girls camping. I understand this is a huge sacrifice and I am sure there is much drama with a large group of teenage girls.

I know that there are two sides to every story and I know that even though I love my daughter deeply she has a very big personality that sometimes leads her to problems with peers while she is still figuring life out. I don't fault the other girls because I know that they are not fully formed adults but teenagers who are trying to figure life out and that the adolescent years can be fraught with selfishness and lacking in empathy as part of the journey. I'm not blaming the parents, because I know that we all try to do our best and we cannot control everything our kids do when they go out into the world and make their choices. Brian asked me if we should talk to the leaders, or the parents or even the girls and I said "no." While I do believe that somewhere twenty years down the road these girls might have a flash of memory and a moment when they realize, "Hey, that was really mean!" I don't think talking to them will truly change their hearts. And, changing their hearts is the only thing that could really benefit Sophie at future activities. Because this is part of a pattern of behavior rather than an isolated incident.

It is what it is and it is too bad that the other girls couldn't find it in their hearts to be more inclusive and put their ward sisters' feelings above their need to have their friends in their tent. But, it is what it is and even though I had high hopes when Sophie turned twelve and entered young womens' that it would be a supportive place to help her get through the difficult teenage years, two years into it, it is obvious that goal will not be achieved.

One thing I do know is that Sophie, with all of her strengths and all of her weaknesses, would not treat another person that way. Like Ian, she has always had a huge heart and for that I am grateful.

Scout Camp 2016

I sent these three off to scout camp at 5:30 this morning and my heart was full. I am so happy that my three boys get to spend an entire week in the mountains together.

Isaac is technically not a part of boy scouts for four more weeks. But, since Brian is the assistant scout master, he paid for him to join the troop at camp this year. It is Ian's last year before moving up the ranks. I am so happy they all three get to go together this once.

Isaac was so excited. I don't know if I have ever seen him more stoked about anything in his entire life.

Since he turned 8, he has resisted participating in scouts. He has given me so much grief every week about attending the activities. About 6-months ago, I told Brian I couldn't take the weekly fighting anymore that always left us both frustrated and only resulted in him actually making it to scouts about half the time. I told him that Isaac's continued participation in scouts was in his court.

That is when he told Isaac that if he went to scouts every week without a fight, he could go to scout camp. That promise magically turned everything around. Isaac had previously argued endlessly about how there was absolutely no point whatsoever to being involved in scouts so why were we forcing him? After he found out he could go on a week-long camping trip, he went to every cub scout activity without another word. 

He even popped out of bed at 5am and put that uniform on with a smile. 

When Ian turned 11 and joined boy scouts, the older boys were relentlessly mean. The things he would tell me made my mother heart so sad. But, there was nothing to be done because, while the boys were needlessly cruel and bullies, it also fell into the category of "boys will be boys" behavior (which I am learning can be pretty rough). The best thing to do was nothing. My little 11-year-old Ian had to show up and take it every week from those big teenage boys until he became a big teenager himself.

Now, he is the oldest one in the troop and I can tell he has completely reset the tone for the boys younger than him. That Ian has never had a mean bone in his body. I asked him who his best friend in the troop was and he said "everyone." He talked about how they decided as a troop to take all of their merit badge classes at camp together because they were more interested in each others' company than in what badges they were working on.

I know it wasn't easy for Brian to take a whole week off to go to scout camp. He is one of the busiest people I know. He worked all weekend and late into the night finishing up photo and design assignments on his computer. It is going to be a real challenge for him to have no service for six whole days. But, I am so proud of him for just doing it so our boys can have these special memories with him. I love these boys.

Back to my Happy Place

Ahhhh . . . summer. After the crush of activity in May--wrapping up the end of the school year with performances, assemblies, recitals, BBQs and all that good stuff--summer has been a pure delight. We sleep in a little every day and slide into our morning routine slowly. We still have piano and swim lessons and summer gymnastics and merit badge classes and from time to time scout camp and girls camp and youth conference. But, things are so much more laid back without school, homework, sports, plays, etc. It is so nice to break out of our usual routine for a few months.

There was a time when I loved to get up and get going with my day by 5 or 6 am. Now my life feels like all I do is stay on the go. So, I cherish every opportunity I have to be still.

At the start of the summer, Ian said, "Mom, can we please go lots of places together this summer?" I was so touched that my 6-foot-tall 13-year-old wants to spend time with his family. I have tried my best to honor this request. I feel like this summer is really special. It might be the last summer I have when all four of my kids still enjoy going on adventures together.

Things are changing. It is so different with Sophie having a summer job. I am happy that Lagoon only schedules her 2-3 days per week. I wouldn't want her to be gone any more than that. It is also nice that she has something to keep her busy and she loves earning money and feeling independent.

Things are changing. Even though Ian requested that we go to all of our favorite places together, I think he is realizing as we go to them that he is growing up. My kids love Classic Waterslides. It is a tiny, run-down waterpark in Riverdale. I have always seen it that way. It wasn't until this summer that Ian saw it that way too, and the realization disappointed him. I think something about a child's imagination makes places like that more magical than they really are. Then we all grow up.

For the most part, my two oldest are great sports about going places with the family. We had an absolutely delightful evening in June with the whole family at The Leonardo in Salt Lake. We learned cool science facts and played with a concave mirror that turned us all upside down. We experimented with electricity, sound waves, 3-D coding, stop motion animation, optical illusions, sensory illusions, messed around with a green screen, drew self portraits and colored part of a giant mural that covered the four walls of a huge room. We learned about homelessness, the properties of water, human rights and built things at the enormous Lego table and then built more things out of enormous Legos. It was beautiful to me to see all of my family there together, interacting with each other while we explored.

We dined at Noodles & Co. before we returned home. There was almost a crisis because they were out of elbow noodles for Katie and Isaac's mac n' cheese. But, then they both had an epiphany that their mac n' cheese really would taste OK made with a different shape of noodle. It was a wonderful evening start to finish.

We had another fun adventure last week. Ian needed to visit the Capitol in Salt Lake for a merit badge so I contacted a dear friend from my college days and we met to take all eight of our kids on an adventure. First we explored the Capitol, taking in the view from all four levels. The kids were amazed by the grandeur of the marble staircases. We made crayon rubbings together on the main floor and walked around the outside of the building.

Next, we visited the Salt Lake library to appreciate the interesting architecture. We rode the fast glass elevators to the top level and took a tour of the rooftop garden before playing in the waterfall fountain.

Last, we enjoyed some time at Liberty Park. The kids played on the playground and ran around the splash pad. Then, we walked to the concrete water feature that is constructed to represent the canyons and rivers of Utah. It felt as if the kids were playing in a giant puddle. It made them happy. And, it was so wonderful to spend time with my friend who I hadn't seen in years.

Now, I diverge into a very long story about my complicated relationship to exercise.

My love for going to the gym began in high school when my best friend and I would go to Ogden Athletic Club to workout. Her dad had a family membership and she took me along as her guest. We felt so grown up going to the gym by ourselves and I really loved working out with her.

When Sophie was a baby, a friend and I got memberships together to Ogden Athletic Club. I have often thought back to that time and marveled at my dream life. The way the daycare at OAC works is you check your child in from 8:30-10:30 or 10:30-12:30. We usually shot for the earlier time, but in honesty we went later at least half the time. We could work out for a full hour then take our time showering and getting ready for the day while our babies played happily in the nursery. Who cared if we were at the gym until 12:30? We were stay at home moms with one baby each. There was no school, no homework, no lessons . . . no schedule. Sometimes after we finished at the gym we would go to my house or hers and eat lunch together. Because we could. And, because we were way too poor to go to a restaurant. Our lives were so relaxed and easy. Did I even appreciate it? I think I did. But, I am sure I did not appreciate it enough. I had no way to comprehend that three years later I would be caring for six kids ages 0-5 (two babies, two toddlers and two pre-schoolers). My life was headed for crazy and I had no idea. I like to think back to the simplicity of that earlier time in motherhood.

When Ian was three months old, I took him to the nursery at OAC for his first time and he caught RSV and spent the rest of the winter battling colds and ear infections. Needless to say, I cancelled my membership and never took him back. That is when I switched to Gold's Gym because it was closer to my house and less expensive. That is when I started waking up at 5:30 am to workout before anyone else in the house was awake. And that worked really well for me for about 10-years.

I'm not sure what happened to me because one thing I know for sure is: I LOVED going to the gym. It was my "me" time. It energized me. I felt so blah when I missed a workout. For the first year or two  at Gold's, I would sweat on the elliptical while reading a magazine or watching the news. Then, a couple of ladies asked if they could join me. Michelle and Monica became two of my dearest lifelong friends. For the short period in my life when I was a runner (when Sophie was 2 and Ian was 1), Monica was my running buddy. She is such a cool lady. She and her husband just moved their family to Peru where he will serve as a mission president for the next three years. What an adventure!

And, Michelle really became my best friend. We spent our time at the gym equal parts working out and talking about all the different stages our kids were going through and just figuring out life together. Those talks at the gym helped me so much. There were times when they were truly my saving grace.

When our friendship began, Michelle lived right around the corner from me. Then, she moved into a bigger house still close by. When we upgraded to a bigger house 4.5 years ago, it was right up the street from Michelle. I was very excited for that! But, only a few months after we moved in, Michelle and her family moved to New Mexico for a new job. It has been a great loss to me to have Michelle gone from my life. Even though they have been in New Mexico for 4 years and they bought a house there, they never sold their house here, so, when she comes to town we always meet up for a morning walk. I thought Michelle and I would grow old taking morning walks together. At least we have those few times per year.

I am sure that loss contributed to my loss of love for the gym. After having workout buddies for so many years, I found it impossible to go to the gym alone. On the bright side, I soon found another dear friend, Jodi, to be my gym buddy.

I used to love getting up early to start my day. Michelle and I would wake up at 5:30 to get to the gym a little before 6 am for our workout, but we could never bring ourselves to make it in time for the 5:30 am classes.

Jodi and I did go to the 5:30 am classes and we loved them! Body pump is a great class that we could go to on Mon, Wed, Fri and there were some awesome high intensity cardio classes on Tues, Thurs. I also loved the Saturday morning yoga class.

Then, they moved the 5:30 am classes to 5:15 am. We had been getting up at 5 am. We had to start setting our alarms for 4:45 am. I learned that 5 am is where I draw the line. There is something not right about getting up in the 4 am hour to start your day. I was so tired in the evenings right when it was time to put my kids to bed. Even though I enjoyed the mornings, the resulting evenings became miserable.

We tried to remedy the problem by going to the 6:15 am classes instead. But, those classes were just crazy to me. We had to do things like put an elastic band around our waist and have someone pull on it while we ran around the track. Say what? I am so pleased with myself when I run around the track. I don't need added resistance pulling me backwards, you know what I mean? We had to hold heavy weights over our heads and lunge all the way around the track (that particular exercise session injured my back), or one of us would do a jillion push ups while the other person jumped back and forth over the body of the person doing push ups. We had to hop across the room on one foot or jump on every step up and down a long staircase over and over. It was the perfect class for a four year old because they do all of those things for fun all day every day. But, it was not my cup of tea.

Anyways . . . I don't know if it was Michelle leaving, or the time change of the 5:30 am classes to 5:15 am, or me getting older, or my kids getting older (and staying up later and later at night), or just plain old fashioned burnout. I don't know. But, I started to hate going to the gym. And, I mean, I started to HATE it. I would feel anxious at night when going to bed if the next day was a gym day. I was always thinking up ways to get out of going and Jodi and I were both cancelling more than half the time. We were only showing up one or two times a week. Also, the yoga class got a new instructor and it was more like yoga aerobics. No thank you.

Two years ago, I couldn't handle the stress of it anymore. I did not want to get up so early. I did not want to keep making myself do something that I didn't want to do. Instead of feeling energized on days I went to the gym, I felt grumpy and tired. I could not understand this compete turn around in my attitude. I wanted to love going to the gym. But, I didn't. So, I cancelled my membership. For the first time since Sophie was a baby, I wasn't a gym member. I missed seeing Jodi, but I didn't miss the workouts. I figured I needed a change. I told myself I would take walks outdoors, maybe even hike. I told myself I would go to yoga classes at the studios downtown. I told myself I could workout in the evenings if I wanted to. I figured if I gave myself a break, I would start to miss working out like I had always missed it in the past. Maybe I would even become a morning person again if I didn't push so hard.

But, those things didn't happen. I didn't miss working out. I loved sleeping in more than I ever imagined I could. Time passed and I never got into a new routine. Every few months I would try to force myself. But, it wouldn't stick. I knew I needed to exercise, but I couldn't find my love, or even a faint like, for it.

I kept thinking that I needed to do yoga. But, yoga classes are expensive at a studio. And, I couldn't find a time of day that worked for me. I didn't want to get up early. Also, I did get up early (6:15 am) during the school year so I could take Sophie to early morning seminary. I didn't want to get up earlier. And, I didn't want to workout after I dropped her off because then it was time to get the other kids up and going for the day. All four of my kids had to be driven to different schools every morning (Katie only 2 days a week since we were doing homeschool the other 3 days). It wasn't good timing anymore for a morning workout. After the three older kids were out the door, then it was my homeschooling time with Katie. Then, work. And, on the days Katie went to school I went into the office. I didn't want to workout in the evenings because that is when the crush of the day really began. These were the roadblocks standing in my way in addition to my zero motivation.

A few weeks ago, I thought about going back to Ogden Athletic Club to check it out. It is a 15-minute drive from my house, but it is family friendly. Gold's Gym doesn't really allow anyone under 18 (unless they are really young and in the nursery).

I was so happy when I went and I discovered they had just completed a remodel to make their facility even more family friendly! They gave me a 7-day trial pass. While I worked out, Katie and Isaac played in three supervised rooms. One has a gigantic play land with three really fast slides. Another has basketball, indoor soccer, or other similar organized games. The third room is the lounge where there is a movie showing, a climbing wall, and tables where they can do art projects.

Upstairs there is a family lounge where Sophie and Ian can go hang out (unless they are working out with me which is also allowed) or where our whole family can go together. There is a pool table, ping pong, shuffle board, air hockey and a big flat screen t.v. with couches.

I was so excited when I found out there are 10 yoga classes offered throughout the week. A morning and evening class on Mon-Thurs and morning classes on Fri-Sat. I was even more excited when I started going to the yoga classes and I LOVED them!!! One thing I have learned is that yoga classes are not created equally. They can be a gamble, especially in a gym setting. But, these classes are relaxing, restoring and build my strength, balance and flexibility gently. I have been to five classes in just over a week and all have been heavenly.

Now I don't feel guilty for leaving the kids and going to the gym because I take the kids with me! They have a great time playing while I go to an awesome yoga class. Then, we all swim together. They have an outdoor and an indoor pool. The pools have lifeguards! Since all of my kids can swim the length of the pool independently, I can sneak away to the hot tub or the steam room for a few minutes knowing that a lifeguard is right there and the pools are never crowded. We all take a quick shower after our swim, so there is one more thing out of the way in our day.

It has been such a delight going to the Ogden Athletic Club. When I am there, I remember my high school visits with Nichole and taking baby Sophie swimming in the 1-foot-deep pool with Trisha and her baby and those memories make me happy. It makes me think about what a blessed life I have had and reminds me that what I am doing now will someday be my cherished memories. I am finally looking forward to exercise again and that is a very, very good feeling. I hope I can keep this momentum. And, this time around, I am definitely appreciating it.