Accepting What Is

The birth of each of my kids had taught me something and changed me for the better.

Sophie unlocked my mother's heart and awakened a feminine side of me that I had never fully known.

Ian showed me that I had more strength than I ever thought possible. The kind of power that propelled me to run half marathons when I had thought running a mile to be a feat in itself. It is a wonderful thing to know how strong we really are.

With Isaac's birth came a new level of calm and patience that got us through those first years of having three kids in four years. Come to think of it, that boy is still teaching me about patience.

Then, came Katie. And, for more than two and a half years I have wondered what lesson I learned from her birth. Today, I think I finally figured it out.

Katie has been teaching me a lesson that takes a long time to learn. And, I suspect it will take even take more time to master than opening a mother's heart, tapping into inner strength or increasing the reservoir of patience. I think that Katie is teaching me to accept what is happening in the present moment of life.

I often think back to my first trimester of pregnancy with this sweet little girl, when the other three were still little, and I found myself overtaken with daily migraines. It just about broke my heart to lie still in a darkened room and ask my seven year old Sophie to please look after her brothers for a few hours until I could pull together enough of that inner strength to make dinner.

It was hard and I hated not being there for my other three children as much as I wanted to be while I struggled with the physical challenges that continued through the pregnancy. I kept telling myself, "This is not forever. Just a few more days (or weeks) and everything will be fine again."

But, those days and weeks stretched into months. At last, our angel Katie Jane was born. But, the struggles did not end. They stretched on for years as I found myself completely overwhelmed with caring for four. Anyone who says "Once you master caring for three, it's a cinch to have more," is dead wrong in my opinion. From the beginning of my pregnancy onward, I have felt like my whole world was thrown out of balance.

I don't want to sound ungrateful - I would of course be devastated if anything happened to any of my children, I love them SO much.

In the months that followed Katie's birth I found myself thinking on several occasions -- "If I had only two kids, I could be a great mom. Pick two. Any two. My two oldest. Great mom. My two youngest. Same. One older and one younger. Any combo - great mom. I just know it!"

Don't get me wrong - I could never give up two of my kids now that they are here. I was just a little second guessing my decision to bring them all here in the first place.

It's a lot of people to pay attention to. And, a lot of nails to trim. I think after Katie was born I started to have a greater self awareness, in other words it was time for me to lose 40-pounds, pay more attention to my health, organize my home, etc. And, I realized that it takes a lot of focus just to take care of myself. How on earth could I be responsible for taking care of four other people too?

I was sure that I would be a better mom if only I didn't babysit as much. Sure it was hard taking care of seven kids, but I could probably do it if I just had my four. I would be a better mom if I wasn't so tired/stressed out/had to work so much . . . All of these things and more I have fantasized about and told myself that I could do better - if.

I feel like I blinked and suddenly Sophie and Ian were big kids. I mean, they both wear the same size shoe as me and their issues with friends and life are more complicated than they use to be.

In a nutshell, this has been a challenging three years for me. And, I have spent a lot of time looking back to that first wave of migraines when I thought everything would be alright in a few days and wished I could go back to my seven, five and three year old darlings and take better care of them from that time to the present. And, I've spent a few nights lying awake thinking that surely I've completely failed at everything I've tried to do in terms of my home and family.

Which isn't to say that Katie Jane hasn't been one of the brightest spots and most wonderful blessings in our lives. It's just been the whole package that's been a challenge to deal with.

Last week I finally made the time to meet my kids at their school for lunch. It was a great experience to see them there, in their element, with their friends, having the routines they have every day while we are apart. I cherished the moment.

As I left the school, I started the fantasy of, "If only I didn't have work so much, I could meet my kids for lunch more often. I wish I could meet the kids for lunch more often." And, then I stopped and asked myself, "Do I really wish that?" Because maybe I don't. Maybe I like spending an hour writing a story better than I would like meeting the kids for lunch more often. Maybe the amount of time I spend meeting them for lunch is just right. Maybe even the number of hours I spend cleaning the house is just right. Maybe all of it is exactly the number of hours I really do want to spend doing each activity.

And, so this morning, as Katie sat on top of the bathroom counter top watching me put on makeup and wanting to put it on herself too, she grabbed hold of a pink lipstick and applied it to her lips before I could stop her. She sat staring at her pink lipped reflection and I stared at it too. What would our lives be without this special angel who has come into our lives?

And suddenly I realized, "I have to start accepting what is."

This is my life. And, it's pretty wonderful. I've got to stop worrying about the past and feeling anxious about the future or wishing for this or that and just love myself and my family the way we are in this moment.

And loving this moment.

I think that is the gift Katie brought to me.

Acceptance.