Why Women Still Can't Have It All

This morning I read an in-depth article by Anne-Marie Slaughter (2012) titled "Why Women Still Can't Have it All." It was a very interesting read to me even though I didn't 100% agree with everything she said.

The take away for me is that our whole society needs significant attitude changes before women can truly have equal opportunities.

I don't agree (necessarily) that we should adjust school schedules to align with workday schedules. That sounds an awful lot like communist Russia that offered free 8-5 preschool for all so that women could be liberated. I don't want to live in a place where kids are whisked away at birth and placed in government sponsored institutions. However, I do see how this would be a huge step forward for women who work full time.

I am so blessed to have a flexible schedule and to work part time. I briefly considered applying for a full time job a couple of years ago (the prospect of employer sponsored benefits was so tempting) and I could not figure out how that would work with the kids' school schedules. That's because it doesn't work. There is no way to add up a 40 hour work week that aligns with the kids' school schedules. I calculated the math a bunch of different ways. My sister in law took a job last year that was counted as full time even though it was 35-hours per week. She was able to get home in time to greet her kids off the bus (they are the last stop on the route and don't get home until 4), but she still had to hire someone to take them at 7 a.m. and get them ready for school every morning to make it work (she got off early on Fridays since her kids have early out). Then there was also summer break to figure out.

While I don't necessarily agree with sweeping changes like that, I do agree that the attitudes of our society at large need serious changes. She talks about the fact that if a talented employee runs a marathon, they are seen as disciplined, hard working, willing to push through distraction and exhaustion even on days when nothing seems to go right in the service of a goal far in the distance and as an exceptional manager of time to be able to squeeze it all in. And she asks, Do employers make those same assumptions about a talented working parent?

She also makes a point about a devout Jewish man who left work early on Fridays to complete his travel before sun down and strictly observe the Jewish Sabbath (from sun down on Friday until sun down on Saturday) and how everyone in the office admired his dedication to his religion. Yet, would they award the same admiration to a working mother who left the office early on Friday and strictly devoted her Saturday to her children?

Great points.

I'll be honest--the article did bother me in some ways. I felt like she was saying, in order to be in an extremely successful leadership position (which she strongly advocates for men and women equally), twelve hour work days plus weekend work is required. I'm sorry, but if that is my life ambition and I am married to someone with that same life ambition, why do we want to have kids? And, if we do want to have kids, who is going to raise them while we dedicate ourselves to these schedules? Our nannies? And, if all of these nannies are needed to support all of these men and women equally in their career goals, what about equality for the nannies and their career goals? It doesn't make sense to me. I do think parents should raise their kids.

What becomes tricky is when both parents work and it comes to figuring out how to divide up the household and child nurturing responsibilities with some equality. Apparently my relationship is in the dark ages when it comes to this. As I stated in an earlier post, the reason we aren't really caught up to mainstream 2016 thinking has to do with our religious beliefs and the way we were raised. Maybe some women my age in my religion find it fine and good for their husbands to provide while they run the home and family. Maybe they find this fair and fulfilling and maybe they don't. I don't know. I do know that it makes women vulnerable. I also know that in my life I need to work. And, I don't mind working, I just wish I had known that I was going to work so I could have negotiated a different contract (so to speak, we don't actually have a document where our expectations are written down) in the beginning because it is very hard to change our habits at this point in the game but we need to find something that is more fair.

The article was interesting because, in it she states that many men and women of the millenial generation are changing their attitudes about sharing responsibilities at home. However, she reveals the damaging attitudes of our society at large that hold women back--some subtle and some not so subtle.

Speaking of attitudes, I reflect back on my life and I feel like I have always received conflicting messages. Growing up, I received a message that I was equal to men and that I could accomplish anything I wanted to in life. I also received a message that the most important role I could fulfill in my life was to be a fully dedicated full-time wife and mom. It is really hard to reconcile the two.

For example, I became very close to my female doctor, Machel, who delivered all four of my babies. I remember when Sophie was born, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude to her for dedicating herself to a demanding medical career (she did this while raising six kids). I kept thinking about what her talents and hard work meant to me and so many other moms. What would we do without the Machel's of the world? At the same time, I felt strongly that I should give up working to be home with my new tiny infant (and the ones that would follow). But, what did that mean in terms of sharing my professional talents with those outside of my immediate family? From the beginning, it has been a confusing road.

I really admire the mom who I babysit for. She and her husband have worked their schedules to ensure maximum mom and dad time with their kids. Her husband goes to work at 5:30 a.m. so that he can pick up his kids by 4. She goes into the office at 11 a.m. so she has lots of morning time with her babies, even though it means she has to stay late. Because of this, their kids are only with a babysitter for five hours a day.

In addition to this awesome schedule they have worked out for their kids's sakes, her boss also allowed her to bring her first two kids to work with her for the first six months of their lives. The third baby was born during her busiest time of year, so I started keeping him when he was two-weeks old (sad for her, but so fun for me). Why can't women with office jobs bring their nursing infants to work for the first months of their lives? It would be amazing if more employers allowed that.

Those kinds of attitude changes I completely agree with.