When Katie was three, I signed her up for preschool taught by a magical lady, Miss Jill, who goes to the same church as we do. Katie L-O-V-E-D Miss Jill and they always worked on the cutest songs and art projects in class. Every preschool day was a good day.
Until two months before the second year of preschool ended (also two months before Katie turned five). One day I drove her to school and when we got there she wouldn't get out of the car saying she just didn't feel like going. It was odd, but I figured if my daughter wanted an extra day with me it was perfectly reasonable.
After that day, she never wanted to go to preschool. In fact, first thing every morning she would ask if it was a school day and if I said "yes" she instantly became uneasy. Then she started asking at bedtime if tomorrow was a school day and if I said "yes" the apprehension began.
I didn't know we were starting down a confusing path of anxiety. I didn't know that the adorable stutter she developed was one of the signs. Or, the way she so sweetly crawled in bed with me in the middle of the night. Or, the loud teeth grinding sessions that I heard as she slumbered next to me. I didn't know that this beautiful sweet daughter of mine who had been the most independent of all four of my kids from the time she turned one until almost her fifth birthday was now facing a struggle that would become clinical and cast a shadow over her innocent childhood.
The struggle to go to school followed her to Kindergarten and spilled over to her ability to attend her primary class on Sundays. After awhile she no longer wanted to go play at friends' houses or go to the dance class she had loved. When first grade started, Brian and I both felt our hearts breaking as we left her wailing and trembling day after day with her soft-spoken teacher who lovingly gave her a stuffed animal to cuddle each morning in an attempt to help her calm down.
One night, I was leaving to take Sophie to Salt Lake and Katie didn't want me to go. After I left her with Brian, she started throwing up every half hour, more than twenty times, all through the night until I called the doctor the next morning and he prescribed something to help her stop.
One morning, she woke up shaking because she was so nervous to go to school. After an hour of terror and tears I took her to class but when we got there her face had started to break out in hives so I took her back home. By the next morning, her entire face was so swollen, blotchy, red and disfigured that the doctor prescribed steroids.
That is when I started to think seriously about anxiety.
I read all I could and talked to her about the part of her brain that helps her sense danger -- we named it Bob -- and how Bob was sensing danger when there wasn't any real danger and making her feel scared when she didn't need to be scared. She was stoic and valiantly tried to overcome her fear, but in January of her first grade year we started seeing a professional therapist.
The therapist talked to her more about Bob and gave her some mental tools to help her calm down when she is anxious. We have come a long way when it comes to heading off the panic attacks before they start. But, now we have to figure out how to deal with the counterpart that sometimes slips into anxiety's place -- depression. When she is working so hard to stave off the fright, she fades into sadness and despondence like a delicate flower.
This morning, the anxiety reared its head when I woke her up to get ready for her 1/2-day of fun classes. On Tuesdays she gets to do an hour of dance and hour of art and an hour of animal encounters where the teacher brings interesting animals like lizards and tarantulas and they study and talk about them. She loves these classes. And today was extra special because we bought dance shoes. But, none of that matters when Bob shows up. In her effort to stay calm, she became so sad, detached and distant. On the plus side, she didn't freak out and cry or break out in hives. But, she just sat there with no light in her saying, "I just don't feel like dancing today."
This child who skips and turns cartwheels everywhere we go! This girl with so much zest and curiosity for life. This little one who loves every one of her stuffed animals and lays out tea parties for her friends. How can such grown up things as anxiety and depression be part of her world?
This morning we rubbed her favorite essential oils on her feet and did grounding exercises and prayed together. I will keep hoping that someday these challenges can be turned into strengths.
UPDATED: When I picked her up from school she was bubbling over with excitement about the new dance she learned, the picture she created from paint and oil pastels and the giant snake she held (that covered four kids!). Sometimes when I am reassuring her that everything will be O.K., I need to stop and remind myself too that everything will indeed be O.K.
No comments:
Post a Comment