Growing Pains

Today I logged 7 hours of work in the home office and washed 7 loads of laundry. I accomplished all of this and took a shower too. But, I skipped the gym and Katie and Isaac's homeschool lessons. I'm not really counting it as a skipped homeschool day because, all on their own, they watched episode after episode of Bill Nye and Our Planet Earth. That is some educational stuff! I learned a lot from Bill playing in the background and I saw a sloth swimming in some beautiful blue water. Did you know sloths can swim? But elephants can't jump and Madagascar seems like a pretty cool place to visit.

No gym. No homeschool. I cleaned up the fortress that's been part of the living room decor for the past week and vacuumed the rug. I fed Katie and Isaac some lunch, but I didn't make any dinner. This is my life these days. Some days I cook and clean, some days. But, on those days, I am lucky if I log 1 or 2 hours of work in the home office. Most days I sit with the kids while they do their homeschool lessons and some days lately I've gotten myself to stop by the gym after dropping Sophie off at early morning seminary. I have come to a place where I accept that I cannot do it all and I try to be satisfied with what I have done and let all the undone things of the day go. It is hard because so many things are left undone every single day.

This is a busy time no doubt. My days are full and I try to hold onto the moments as much as I can. I am torn about so many things when it comes to my kids growing up. On the one hand, it's kind of weird when Ian asks me to drive him and his friends to Jake's Over the Top for fries and shakes because I just sit in the car for an hour and wait for them to finish. So, it will be nice when he gets his license in the fall and he can drive to all the places he needs to go. On the other hand, he will have his license and will drive himself everywhere he needs to go and that is a little sad that I won't get to take a little peek in the window now and then and see him and his friends laughing while they eat their fries and shakes. Such a dilemma for a mom, you know?

It is the same with Katie and Isaac. Next year, the plan is for them to go to school. Isaac ages out of the homeschool program since he'll be in the 7th grade. There is a 50/50 chance Katie will end up staying in the homeschool program; but I fear she will be so bored without Isaac at home with her and the older she gets the more she wants to be with friends all day. So, we will try regular school for both of them next year. On the one hand, it will be so nice to have uninterrupted hours in my day to put in time at the home office. Oh, to finish a typing or editing something without an interruption! And, homeschooling the kids won't have to be an item on my list that goes unchecked now and then. On the other hand, it brings me a lot of joy to see them here and know that they are safe and happy. Sometimes bored, but mostly not too miserable. Not bullied. Not treated poorly by teachers or left out at recess. They are safe and they are happy. So, sending them to school is good and also sad.

I think the real sadness is that I am growing older. I started on this journey of motherhood and it seemed like my years of being a young mom stretched out indefinitely across the horizon for as far as my eyes could see. When we considered that Isaac might be our last baby, I couldn't believe that only 4 years after I started my journey, I was done with having babies. There would be no more babies and it seemed like I had only had my first baby one moment before. Alas, there was one more baby for us nearly four years after that thought and I can honestly say that four kids spanning eight years has been the magic number to sufficiently wear me out and make me certain that we reached our absolute limits.

Having young children was heaven for me. Especially the elementary years. I adored my years as a young mom and there is a sadness to seeing it passing. My baby is almost nine-years-old and by the end of summer the other three will be teens. Big changes for our family this fall as we enter the stage where one child is a senior, one enters his first year of high school and one enters his first year of junior high and two get their driver's licenses. At least I assume two will get their licenses. Sophie just turned 17 and has so far been unmotivated to get hers. But, I'm pretty sure when Ian turns 16 in November he will want to get his right away and this will spur Sophie to action as she will not want to be upstaged by her younger brother.

Even though I loved being a mom to young kids, I can also see that it starts to wear you out. I am not the same mom to Katie at 8 as I was to Sophie at 8. Not that one version of me was better or worse; but different. I can't stay in the same place forever. I loved reading board books to my babies, but then I wanted to move on to picture books and then chapter books as my kids grew up. I loved reading board books to my babies, but I don't want to keep reading board books for the rest of my life. Time marches on and to a great extent I have enjoyed all of the stages so far. Well--I'll be honest, the teenage years with Sophie have been rough, but, yes I've even enjoyed those to the greatest extent that I can. It is fun to see your kids grow into the people you've been watching them morph into since they showed up in your arms as tiny bundles. It's sad, but it's good.