The boys came back from scout camp on cloud nine. Isaac proclaimed that it was the best week of his life. He wished he could spend the whole summer there. No, he wished he could spend the whole school year there (because the school year is longer than the summer, he explained).
The next day at church, so many parents told me how grateful they were for Ian setting the tone. The scout leader said it was the best group of boys he has worked with out of all his years of going to scout camp. I am proud of Ian and his big heart for his part in making scout camp a wonderful place for all the boys. He was the oldest in attendance, and therefore, the patrol leader.
One of the boys in the group is a little more on the autism spectrum than Isaac and I am sure his off-beat behavior could have made him the target of ridicule or led to him being excluded. His parents were especially complimentary of Ian's good example.
Earlier this week, I sent Sophie off to girls' camp with the ward. I am proud of her for working this summer. It is a lot of responsibility to take on at fifteen and she has handled it beautifully. She only gets a limited number of days that she can request off. Brian and I encouraged her to request off the days for youth conference and girls' camp, which she did.
She got the pre-camp jitters that I'm sure most teenagers get. She wondered if she would feel a part of the group. She doesn't have any good friends in the ward. I assured her that she would find her niche and make happy memories.
I was wrong.
She called me on the second day in tears asking me to come pick her up. I asked her what was wrong, expecting to hear any number of complaints that I would have encouraged her to work through. Like, maybe it was too hot or the ground was difficult to sleep on or the bathrooms were stinky. She briefly explained that when they arrived on day one, the girls were divided into two tents -- one for beehives and one for miamaids and laurels. As a second year miamaid, she was of course assigned to the older tent and set her things up as instructed. When she came to bed that night, she and one other girl discovered that their things had been moved to the beehive tent so that two younger girls could take their places.
I was livid. I cut her off after two sentences and said, "I will be right there."
It made me sad when I found out her things were dragged carelessly through the dirt and some of her things were missing (i.e. sleeping bag stuff bag) and she spent over an hour searching for them, feeling frustrated the whole time, before giving up. I was surprised to learn that the following day (when she was looking for her things) she told the leaders what had happened (she was too stunned and too hurt to say anything the night before) and apparently no one felt that the situation warranted a chat about -- I don't know -- maybe something like the things we learn every week in church such as love, kindness and charity. And, how moving someone out of the tent without even discussing it does not emulate those things and that these lessons are more than just words we say on Sunday. But, something we practice in real life everywhere we go and no place more so than at a camp with our ward sisters.
I put myself in her shoes. I thought about the girls' getaway I went to three years ago with adult members of this ward. We stayed at a beautiful house in the Ogden Valley with an indoor swimming pool. There were five private bedrooms where all the new moms stayed with their babies. Then there was one giant room with about 10 bunkbeds where the rest of us slept. When I arrived, I chose a bunk and placed my things on the bed. I tried to imagine how I would have felt if I had come downstairs to go to bed and discovered that my things had been moved so the other ladies could "be by their friends." I would have been humiliated and devastated to not be considered cool enough to be part of their friend group. I am a 40-year-old woman and I would have felt, to say the least, left out. I can only imagine how such treatment feels to an insecure teenager who is trying her best to fit in.
We gathered her things and I brought her home and none of the leaders have seemed too concerned about that. I might think that they would recognize that the situation was so hurtful that she didn't want to remain at girls' camp even if they don't deduce that her father and I felt like it was a hostile environment where she couldn't be left. It's not like we are the kind of parents who pick our kids up from a week-long camp because they stubbed their toe.
In fact, Brian is a 100% stickler about all of the kids going to all of their meetings, activities, firesides etc. no matter what. But, after this, he told Sophie she never has to go to girls' camp again if she doesn't want to. I have only seen him this mad a handful of times in our lives together.
I'm not trying to fault the leaders. I am grateful that they would give up their week to be away from their jobs, homes and families to take the girls camping. I understand this is a huge sacrifice and I am sure there is much drama with a large group of teenage girls.
I know that there are two sides to every story and I know that even though I love my daughter deeply she has a very big personality that sometimes leads her to problems with peers while she is still figuring life out. I don't fault the other girls because I know that they are not fully formed adults but teenagers who are trying to figure life out and that the adolescent years can be fraught with selfishness and lacking in empathy as part of the journey. I'm not blaming the parents, because I know that we all try to do our best and we cannot control everything our kids do when they go out into the world and make their choices. Brian asked me if we should talk to the leaders, or the parents or even the girls and I said "no." While I do believe that somewhere twenty years down the road these girls might have a flash of memory and a moment when they realize, "Hey, that was really mean!" I don't think talking to them will truly change their hearts. And, changing their hearts is the only thing that could really benefit Sophie at future activities. Because this is part of a pattern of behavior rather than an isolated incident.
It is what it is and it is too bad that the other girls couldn't find it in their hearts to be more inclusive and put their ward sisters' feelings above their need to have their friends in their tent. But, it is what it is and even though I had high hopes when Sophie turned twelve and entered young womens' that it would be a supportive place to help her get through the difficult teenage years, two years into it, it is obvious that goal will not be achieved.
One thing I do know is that Sophie, with all of her strengths and all of her weaknesses, would not treat another person that way. Like Ian, she has always had a huge heart and for that I am grateful.
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