On Being "The Mom"

Today, I read "Alexnder and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day," by Judith Viorst, to Isaac and Izzy. It begins:

I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I chuckled because it reminded me of a day I had last week. I won't go into details, but, let it be said that it was one of those days.

In the afternoon of my terrible, horrible day, I was working on newspaper stories, and I suddenly started to panic.

Shortly after my last post about having to choose between writing for the Standard and writing for the Deseret News, I chose the latter. It seemed so obvious to me. It was a break I'd been waiting for for a really long time. The historic pieces were the stories that I've always wanted to write (but, didn't know I wanted to write), and the chance to be their Ogden correspondent was exactly what I wanted too.

In order to get paid for the restaurant features I had already submitted to the Standard, I needed to keep my decision under wraps for a few weeks. So, I quietly started working on articles for the D-News that would not begin running until after April 24th (when my last restaurant feature would run).

My first piece, on the history of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, was fascinating and included an interview with Mr. Mac (apparently besides selling suits he is also the choir manager) and a little trip down memory lane with him about the time he gave my girlfriends and I a ride from the D.C. Temple (where he and his wife were serving) to the metro. Truly, one of the kindest people I have ever met.

I was working with a historian to compile research about the governor's mansion, as well as the former governor's mansion (a modern home used in the 60s and 70s) and stories about Eleanor Roosevelt's visits to Utah. Next in line for interviews were a former ambassador who personally entertained President Bush and VP Cheney during the 2002 Olympics (he lives in the former governor's mansion), and Governor Huntsman.

After two years of writing about burritos and tiny spicy chicken, I was feeling pretty stoked. Then, came the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and I had to take a serious look at my life and my decisions.

First, I had to take a hard look at this fact: I was doing at least two times as much work for exactly half as much money. Sure, the work was super exciting. But, I started to wonder how I would feel about that fact once the "new" wore off or, during a week when all of the kids were sick.

Second: The two things I never have enough of at the end of the day are time and money.

Part of my bad day was finding out that (for the first time ever) we owe money to the tax man instead of getting a hefty refund. Poof! Goodbye kitchen remodel. My mind started to panic about how we could possibly get a little extra money for savings, food storage, emergencies, and maybe a small family vacation this summer (hmmm . . . well, I just agreed to give up half my paycheck every month . . .).

I started to question my decision. I lay awake most of the night thinking about my "real life" and what I like to call my "pretend life."

In my pretend life, the one where the D-News is the perfect fit for me, I would have five solid hours per week to work on my stories. In my real life, I'm lucky to get an uninterrupted 15-minutes here and there -- which works out for doing restaurant features on auto-pilot, not so good for in-depth research and interviews with the governor (picture me interviewing him while locked in a closet and three kids pounding on the door screaming for my attention -- that is more like my real life).

In my pretend life, I would eat up opportunities to attend spicy city council meetings while my hubby happily put the kids to bed. In my real life, my hubby works on city council meeting nights. In truth, I despise leaving my kids with a sitter on school nights, getting them to bed late, and having to deal with their grumpies the entire next day. In my real life, I would go to the council meetings, come home late, have to put four kids to bed after their bedtime, and then stay up late filing a story on deadline.

In my real life, I am about to have a baby, and I am envisioning her being just as sweet and docile as can be, but, I know from experience that she may not be calm and happy.

In my real life, I will have seven kids in my home most days this summer. And, even when school starts back up in the fall, I will still have three pre-schoolers.

In my real life, whole weeks melt away in a blink when the kids get sick.

In my real life, I chose to be the mom. And, it is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I cannot compare the joy I feel every single day from something as simple as Izzy and Isaac giggling their heads off as they run from the tickle monster to any joy I could get from working outside my home.

Upon further reflection, it soon became apparent that what would be the best (as in, the most exciting) choice for me was not really the best choice for my family. I choose to be the mom. And, writing for the Standard is a nice way to get extra income with little time investment. And, now and then, it is very interesting work.

No matter how I sliced it, the money:time ratio from the D-News job just could not compare. I had gone into it thinking, "I can just do extra stories to make up the difference in pay." But, the more extra stories I would do, the more hours I would have to invest. It would still be one-fourth the pay for my time.

With a heavy heart, I called the D-News editor to let him know that it wasn't going to work out. With sadness, I called my editor to let her know I would be staying. On the bright side, the editor at the D-News was very understanding about the situation and my editor at the Standard was lavish with her appreciation for my decision and praise for my work. It's always nice to have a little kudos.

It's what is for the best at the present time. And, who knows? Maybe there will be opportunities with the D-News down the road. At least now I've made that one-on-one contact.

I really do feel at peace with this decision. I think my terrible, horrible day was a gift in the form of a wake-up call. I am at peace. But, I still felt like crying for about 24-hours after I made up my mind.

In other news, is everyone loving the weather as much as I am? We've been eating our meals outdoors and it is truly fabulous. I love being with these kids. I'm so blessed to be their stay-at-home mom.